Thor: The Dark World

What happens when The Avengers stop needing to avenge? Do they grow complacent? Listless? Do they become The Agenders? Constantly compiling lists of increasingly mediocre items to attend to? I dunno. This is what I do know: they made Thor. It was boring. That didn’t stop them from making Thor: The Dark World. I’m happier with this one.

I now understand two keys to making a useful Thor movie: 1) get outta Asgard. 2) get Thor (Chris Hemsworth) to smile. On the second point, you get to cheat. If you can’t get the dour God of Thunder to feign happiness, Loki (Tom Hiddleston) is brought in for hijinks. This is quite the coup, in a way. You get to pit the fangirls turned on by Hemsworth’s brute against the fangirls turned on by Hiddleston’s astute. In the Venn diagram, there’s almost no intersection between the two; thus you’ve invited two separate groups and their idiot boyfriends –on the premise this is an action film- to the theater. I dunno if that makes for a cash cow exactly, but I guarantee the cash animal in question has huge Viking horns.

In movie time, it’s now two years after Thor first came to town and he’s still smitten over Earthwoman Jane Foster (Natalie Portman. Geez, pal, get in line. What’s that? “God of Thunder?” Yeah, I still saw her first.) You know this is fiction not because there are gods and mystical powers and worlds colliding, but because we first see Jane on a blind date with Chris O’Dowd. Chris O’Dowd is fantastic, really, but he merits Natalie Portman in the dating world like I’m gonna secure a superbowl MVP trophy.

Why is Thor so dour, anyway? He kicks ass. He’s immortal. He dates a supermodel. He’s even got a freaking day named after him. Do you think he goes into Applebee’s on Thursdays deliberately for the discount? “I believe there will be no charge as this day is mine … now give me the entire salad bar.” Of course, that will never happen; Thor is too busy pouting.  This is why we like Loki instead. I swear, without ever saying as much, Loki always has an attitude of ,”why do you like this guy?!” Middle children will understand. So sooooooory I didn’t get born the God of Thunder. I’ll just make my own hammer, then , shall I? To be fair, Thor does have a moment or two where he seems to get it. After trashing a ten-meter-tall stone man with a single blow, Thor surveys the now empty battlefield and –almost- smirks, “anybody else?”

I still say this guy isn’t much without the hammer, but whatchagonnado?  And while we’re there, why does Thor wear a cape?

Plot? Oh yeah, a plot. Hmmm. I dunno. The Cavity Creeps or whoever want to steal the sacred Rubik’s cube or something so that when the worlds align, they can end all life. There are, apparently, nine regions of civilized space and I think they hail from Vanaheim (where you may or may not find Vdisneyland). This is how you know Dark World surpassed the original – because we care more for the interaction between/among Thor/Loki/Jane, etc. than we give a Valkyrie’s testicle about the villain. And I swear if anyone bothers correcting me on that last clause, I’m gonna hunt you down a kill you.

Thor
Pretty strong
Knows what’s wrong
Tales last long
Thor

Thor
Ain’t got guile
Ain’t got style
Ain’t got smile
Thor

Thor
Got a hammer
Likes to slam ‘er
Did I mention the hammer?
Thor

Rated PG-13, 112 Minutes
D: Alan Taylor
W: Christopher Yost, Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
Genre: Godfun
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of Hammertime
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “When is Chris Hemsworth going to appear in a period drama?”