Oh, great zingers of Swingers. Where do I begin? Well, I just can’t talk politics here. I can’t possibly mention how awful it is for a film to preach that sperm banks ought to ignore confidentiality agreements. Nor can I say that a film suggesting a sperm donor, a purely biological progenitor and nothing else, should have claim to the title “father” is beyond appalling and a slap in the face to any adoptive parent, period. But mostly, I can’t at all mention how morally reprehensible, irresponsible and disgusting it is to take any stand along the lines that fathering 500 children on a planet that already hosts seven billion is something to be cherished.
All right, now that we’ve firmly established what I will not be talking about, let’s talk about Delivery Man. David (Vince Vaughn) has just discovered that, thanks to an overactive masturbation schedule twenty+ years previous, he has unwittingly parented 533 children. The premise has to exist for comic purposes only, because it doesn’t really make sense in any other genre (with the possible exception of horror). For one thing, David is a loser. He’s irresponsible, relatively uneducated, in huge debt, and has trouble holding down a job delivering meat in the family butcher business. Were I a fertile-but-unattached woman and discovered that this was the anonymous male donor I’d chosen years ago to share my genes, I’d cry. I might not stop crying. Don’t sperm banks have standards? I was told there’s actually a test or two. How is it that ONE GUY was selected soooooo many times over such a small span? “That was a mistake.” Was it? Ok, riddle me this, Delivery Man – how can a sperm bank that made the mistake of giving out the same donor to several hundred women be expected to have ANY of its records correct (including who received what) in retrospect? (i.e. How do you know you’ve now ID’ed the correct donor?) AHA!
Roughly 20% of David’s now-grown sperm-babies are suing for the right to know their collective parent. I am sympathetic towards their plight. Sure, I’d want to know who biological dad is, I guess. Word of this gets to David through a lawyer who’s broken into his 
apartment. Huh? Eventually, David warms to the idea and decides to visit them all in turn like some sort of guardian angel or creepy stalker. This is the strongest part of the film – David establishing links with strangers and helping them out. He switches jobs with a barista; he vouches for a possible drug addict; he visits a down syndrome child of his. It’s all very sweet. His father-of-four lawyer Brett (Chris Pratt) thinks he’s insane and his pregnant girlfriend Emma (Cobie Smulders) isn’t a fan, but she should probably leave him anyway. This guardian angel nonsense is the best part of the film.
Discounting the humongous philosophical problem with the premise, the biggest film problem with Delivery Man is it’s all so damn easy. All these kids so screwed up they actually care who their sperm daddy is – none of them is a complete basket case? Really? Even the down syndrome kid is pretty easy. You’re gonna tell me that each one of these lost bastards so into his own little world that he/she takes legal action to discover the identity of man of whom they know exactly one thing – he spanked it a whole bunch for money – these kids desperate to know Mr. Wank – none of them is the kind of person who doesn’t ruin your life, too? Welcome to Selective World, where all are seen through rose-colored glasses. Yeah, good luck with that.
Wait a sec. This is still bugging me: You’re a sperm bank … your jobs aren’t exactly difficult here — you get the sample, you label the sample, you record the sample, you give the sample. The sample doesn’t go anywhere. There’s no middle-man. Sure, they look alike, but I assume you cover that part early on, doncha? Wow, this plot is much stupider than I first considered. I’m lowering this rating now.
A cautionary tale to be sure
Stemming from thoughts impure
Future trouble problems stacking
Do be careful when you’re jacking
Rated PG-13, 105 Minutes
D: Ken Scott
W: Ken Scott, Martin Petit
Genre: Pro-idiot
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: People who don’t believe in privacy
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: ZPG Members
