My newest theory is that the movie in Tyler Perry’s mind is worth watching. He is clearly under the illusion that if he appears in front of a camera, entertainment will happen no matter what he babbles on about. It must be nice to have that kind of self-reassurance. The reality is, of course, that Tyler Perry makes the worst movies of our generation and there isn’t a close second, anywhere. I can’t really treat his films as real because nothing about them suggests an honest effort at art.
A Madea Christmas opens with the title character (Tyler Perry in drag) starting a job as a department store greeter. Luckily, “she” was able to eschew all those pesky job precursors, like training, application, or, you know, an interview — and it shows. It takes Madea about 30 seconds on the job to do something I’d fire her for when she tells a lingerie-seeking middle-aged woman that she’s well beyond the sexy underwear demographic. Madea doesn’t actually get fired until the next scene, days later, and when she does, outraged by the injustice of having to wait for her well-earned paycheck, she robs the till and escapes with a dress to boot. For some reason, the scene that follows does not take place from jail. Madea only goes to jail when Tyler Perry, not logic, allows.
Later, after a run-in with the Alabama Klan, Madea is invited to relay her version of the Nativity to school children. It takes her 10 seconds to mistake the Virgin Mary for Mary J. Blige. This is standard Madea shtick – diarrhea-mouth combined with a “HO HO HO, Madea is stupid!” It doesn’t work. Not one little bit. No Earth-based human life form aware of Mary J. Blige would mistake her for the Virgin Mary. It’s ridiculous. Further still, we get a similar stupidity-for-humor-sake moment where a farmer who has milked cows cannot figure out milking a bull. Just doesn’t work. Yeah, you can get a noob on that joke, but anybody who has ever milked a cow? No. Bad sit-coms would reject that joke. Not just standard bad, really awful ones … like Disney channel sit-coms would say, “sorry, doesn’t work. Write something else.” This particular schoolhouse scene ends with Madea punishing a sassy girl by strapping her to the life-size cross at the front of the room. In case you missed that bit of subtle — here’s a film in which a black woman gets a KKK scare and you had that same woman torture a child of a different race by tying her to a cross. Wow, where do I start?
I swear whenever Tyler has writer’s block, he spins a wheel that has seven wedges of “invoke God” and one of “torture a child.” He must have gotten wood thinking up that scene.
Maybe I’ll get to the plot – Lacey (Tika Sumpter) is a school teacher/farmer (?!) with two problems: One is she is married to a white guy, Conner (Eric Lively) and hasn’t told her closed-minded mother (Anna Maria Horsford). The second is their town is in jeopardy of losing its holiday jubilee for lack of funding. Well, a third is she’s a crappy teacher, but the movie doesn’t address that part. Just after meeting her, we watch her single out a picked-on child as better than the rest of his classmates. (Yikes, add “getting a job” and “teaching” as things Tyler Perry doesn’t know squat about)
So here comes Madea to help with the farm and save the day! A Madea Christmas is surprisingly enlightened on the mixed-marriage front. The theme of racial tolerance is very strong in this film – of course, it contrasts with the controversy of Act III involving the War on Christmas. I swear, anybody who truly believes the anti-Christmas forces hold any sort of sway are seriously deluded. But take heed, loyal Fox viewers, you’ve acquired a strong ally in Tyler Perry.
To sum up – Madea [read: Tyler Perry] espouses that sexy lingerie is not for those above a size 6 or the age of 30, that Christmas is indeed in danger, that strapping an unruly child to a cross is a good idea, but discriminating against mixed-raced couples is a mortal sin. Wow, you’re all over the PC spectrum. And how is it halfway through every film, you have some sort of personality change where you go from idiot to sage? 
Nobody who watched Madea in that department store would believe she has anything positive to offer.
Conner’s parents are played by Kathy Najimy and Larry the Cable Guy. Almost had a heart attack when I realized the latter. OMG, it’s a summit of the world’s worst redneck comedian and the world’s worst anti-redneck comedian. I honestly thought they would either repel one another, like magnets, or that when they met, you’d get some sort of sci-fi matter/anti-matter explosion. No, instead they just exchanged uncomfortable blue comments like Madea talking about getting horizontal in the day with Jesse Jackson and Larry referring to his wife’s bent-over cleavage as “the 7-10 split.” I get the distinct impression that if you forced the same audience into a Woody Allen film with the exact same jokes, none would laugh.
You know what the worst part of Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas is? There’s potential here. Madea is a blustery, outspoken bully constantly hovering between the world of PC and humor only enjoyed by selective audiences. Christmas, as we celebrate it, is replete with exactly that on-the-fence phenomena. On the one hand there’s the religious aspect, on the other, there’s millions of oblivious children ripping open presents. With Christmas, Madea had a goldmine of potential humor involving humbling children and honoring God at the same time. And instead, Tyler spent 3/4ths of this film on a freaking farm. Way to read your audience, clown. Unfunny clown.
I suppose I appreciate Tyler Perry films if for no other reason than to see whose career is currently on life support. This one had Lisa Whelchel as the principal of Lacey’s school. Good Lord! It’s Blair from “Facts of Life.” Oh my, that takes me back. Huh. Well, she still looks good, but something about appearing in this venue is the kiss of death. At least my boyhood crush has closure.
♪Joy to the world
The film is done
Let Ty go back to stage
Let ev’ry heart find mirth elsewhere
Next door in Anchorman
Down there in Hobbitland
Or cross town, cross toooown
With Hustle, Amer’can♫
Rated PG-13,105 Minutes
D: Tyler Perry
W: Tyler Perry
Genre: Tyler Perry
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Tyler Perry
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Me
♪Parody inspired by “Joy to the World”
