Doncha love Samurai films? For a people who had no idea what fun is, medieval Japan sure had style. And, apparently, it also had Keanu Reeves. Tough break, kids. So, in Japan, the hand is used as a knife master-challenged Samurai are called Ronin. There is shame in being Ronin, so much so you can’t even kill yourself properly. That’s seriously messed up.
Speaking of messed up, Keanu Reeves starts off the film as Samurai helper-guy. I’m just sure there’s a degrading term for this — like something that means “he who lives with the shame of Point Break” — but I didn’t catch it. Despite his awesome skill with the sword, he ain’t allowed to be Samurai because he’s a half-breed. And, just like an audience, nobody pays him any mind. Kai (Reeves) instructs the hunting party not to go into the woods, so they go into the woods. Kai’s immediate supervisor (for lack of a better term) loses his sword in the hunt and then watches in horror as Kai kills a wild magical stag-dragon-lion thing. There is shame in Kai killing the beast; there is shame in the beast being killed with Ôishi’s sword; there is shame in Ôishi taking the credit for the kill because there would be more shame in having Kai get the credit. Have you guys ever considered your culture might just be a bit too much into the shame thing? Just sayin’.
There is also shame in the realization that the magical stag-onion hunt was irrelevant. What matters is the next part where Kai’s clan hosts a bigger clan, evil magic happens and the Shogun orders the suicide death of Kai’s Lord, making his Samurai into, you guessed it, 47 Ronin — the worst fate a Samurai can endure. 
Seriously, there really is no Samurai old-timer’s day, huh? Then Kai gets sold into slavery; some dudes have all the luck.
Ôishi (Hiroyuki Sanada) gets thrown in a pit for a year and comes back wantin’ revenge. Luckily, he comes back to find all 47 hanging out in the same Samurai trailer park. Sorry, Ronin trailer park. Seriously, fellas, none of you, not one single dude among you said, “screw this, I’m a fisherman now?” Not one. Y’all just live in the forest of celibacy and bathe in the stream of disgrace hoping for what? The Shogun is gonna change his mind?! Oh yeah, that’s just sooooo medievel Japan. That Shogun, what a card …
47 Ronin has some useless romance, some useless swordplay, some useless magic, some useless revenge and Gedde Watanabe. I’ll give you three guesses as to what most piqued my interest on screen. Now, no more yankee my wankee; the Donger need a better film.
The lordless host is obliged to try
To regain personal honor high
If successfully applied
You win suicide!
Sorry, what’s the point of being Samurai?
Rated PG-13, 118 Minutes
D: Carl Rinsch
W: Chris Morgan & Hossein Amini
Genre: Keanu searches for respect
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Ronin
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “Why don’t they just go live somewhere else?”
