I really cannot stress this enough: one of the key facets of going to a movie theater is that the experience should not require motion sickness tablets. During a production, I shouldn’t at any time have to stand up and yell in frustration, “will you hold the goddamn camera steady?!” Unfortunately, this is exactly what I did towards the end of Devil’s Due.
Devil’s Due wasn’t exactly winning me over before this point. Zach (Zach Gilford) and Samantha (Alison Miller) are newlyweds. Awwwww. Zach takes a portable camera everywhere he goes. You think at some point he’d learn how to use it properly, but no such luck. The man couldn’t hold a camera still to save his unborn Devil child. Oops, there’s the plot.
In short, Sam and Zach get hijacked on the last day their Dominican honeymoon and she leaves impregnated with a bundle of joylessness. It’s hard to tell because the footage of everything sucks and the leads are morons. We see their lovely home, paid for with monopoly money I’m guessing and the two being excited about the baby on the way and desperately ignoring several warning signs. “Hmmm, my wife usually isn’t strong enough to break three car windows with her bare hands … pregnancy is really weird.” Zach and Sam ought to have a lot of time to ponder these issues as 
neither seems to be employed.
The occasional creep (literal here as the eeriest moments involve discovering hooded dudes watching the house) is undermined by a complete lack of anything going on in this couple’s life and the fact that nobody can hold the damn camera still for five seconds. Most of the movie is a wobbly picture of Sam being moody. At one point, Sam hints at being suicidal which causes the forces of evil to install spy cameras in the Gilford house. One should not rejoice the advent of a security camera into a major motion picture and yet, I did, because security cameras are mounted, not hand held.
Do you think the Devil has pride enough to be embarrassed by this mess of a movie? I mean, when God sees a sign saying, “God hates fags,” you just know that The Almighty is face-palming at that moment, “Please, please, leave me out of this; I don’t hate anybody — I’m God.” Certainly, the Devil must be similar, right? “Hey, man. I may not look it, but I have standards. Generic, run-of-the-mill evil? Go find yourself a rack in the back room. Go ahead and start without me … I’m busy promoting the new Transformers.” I don’t see the Father of Lies wanting any part of Devil’s Due, do you?
Satan aside, I suppose the message to be fearful and cautious of pregnancy and treat your newborn-to-be with a suspicion reserved for the undead is bliss enough for me. January hasn’t left us and yet I can guarantee Devil’s Due will be on the 2014 Bottom 10 list.
♪I guess you didn’t know it, but I hold cameras, too
And if you care to take a dare, I’ll make a bet with you
Now you suck at cinematography, but give the Devil his Due,
I bet a dated instamatic I can hold the camera worse than you.
The Devil backlit the downhome set and said, “I’ll start this scene”
As he mounted a cracked up rabbit, I knew his business mean
And he strobe-lit that cocaine bunny and the picture made me sick
And he laughed away as I lost my lunch not caring a lick.
When the Devil finished, dullZach said, “Well, you suck hard, ol’ son,
But sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it’s done.”
“Fire on the set.” Run, film, run!
Aim it directly at the sun;
Epileptic poultry behind that lens
Oh God; I think I’ve got The Bends.
The Devil bowed his head because he knew that he’d been beat.
And he laid that instamatic on the ground at dullZach’s feet.
DullZach said, “Sam! Sam! I don’t understand what’s going on,
I think there’s a possibility your pregnancy is going wrong.” ♫
Rated R, 89 Minutes
D: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett
W: Lindsay Devlin (Devil woman writing about a Devil preganancy, huh?)
Genre: Evil home movies
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: I dunno … Mrs. Devil?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Have you got an inner ear disorder?
♪ Parody Inspired by “Devil Went Down to Georgia”
