Grudge Match

Ok, you got me. I would go for this. Tell me that two legendary rival boxers from decades ago, say Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali, were squaring off again in their 70s (assuming they were healthy enough to do so) and, yeah, I’d watch. No question. See, movies tend to get public interest wrong. The Truman Show, for instance, would be canceled long before the first season ended — there just isn’t enough going on with a baby that we’d care.  Frivolous political candidates, like Chris Rock and Robin Williams, end up winning public office in movie realty. No. Never would happen in the one where we live. But two notable ancient gladiatorial enemies beating one another into the mush fed to … guys like them? Oh, yeah. There would be a throng waiting to see that.

A movie, however, about two legendary silver screen boxers, well, I’m not sure we’ll go for that – btw, remind me to get a pair of silver screen boxers; I’m sick of wearing briefs.  And yet, it happened. Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp (Sylvester Stallone) and Billy ‘The Kid’ McDonnen (Robert De Niro) are old time Pittsburgh rivals, both having claimed the Light Heavyweight crown once upon a time. The history goes something like this: McDonnen won the first meeting in 15. Sharp humbled McDonnen in four the next time but there was no decider as Sharp retired from boxing the following year, leaving McDonnen forever pissed.  Do we really need a third fight? Of course not. But they hate one another, so a third fight is probably going to happen eventually. Question is whether or not people will pay for it.

Promoter Dante Slate, Jr. (Kevin Hart, oh my, get ready for more Kevin Hart. Good or bad, he’s here to stay) gets the two to show up for some video game specs. I dunno, exactly … what do you call it when a person wears that silly green body suit with all the light bulbs so that his movement can be translated into video format? Anyway, that. And while the two are dressed for sci-fi, they get into an ugly brawl which is captured on film and goes viral. Suddenly, McDonnen isn’t the only one interested in a rematch.

And then, they milk it. They milk it like the last remaining cow in Ethiopia. Ho ho, Stallone balks at raw eggs. Ho ho, Manager Louis (Alan Arkin) stops Rocky from punching the meat. Ho ho, DeNiro is fat. Look, I don’t have a whole lotta hope that a senior who can’t do a pullup can last long enough to walk from the dressing room to the ring, let alone fight. And when there isn’t humor milking, there’s plot milking: Rocky can’t see out of his right eye (wasn’t that the controversy of Rocky II?); The Kid has family issues (wasn’t that the plot of Raging Bull?). Kim Basinger shows up to be the love interest for BOTH boxers because in bizarro film world, men need a reason to fight.

I wasn’t really for or against Grudge Match until the denouement. Old men shouldn’t box. Even old men in shape. There is no “Old Timer’s Day” in boxing for very good reason.I didn’t quite realize until I saw it; there’s something tragic and horribly misguided about flabby, wrinkled men in shorts settling their differences by punching one another. It isn’t pleasant to see, nor is it terribly realistic that they’re still able to take a fair beating after so many years on the couch. Then again, I take a fair beating on my couch all the time watching films like these.  Let’s hope I can continue to do so thirty years from now.

♪It’s the thighs of your grandma
It’s the thrill of one flight
Of stairs just to breathe hard on your rival

It’s the pain medication
It’s the Ben Gay delight
But you just can’t proceed past Round 2 …
With the thighs of your grandma♫

Rated PG-13, 113 Minutes
D: Peter Segal
W: Tim Kelleher, Rodney Rothman
Genre: Rock ’em, sock ’em fogies
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The nostalgic
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Noobs

♪Parody inspired by “Eye of the Tiger”