Take all you know about Hercules and toss it. Go ahead, you won’t be needing it for this film. Or your brain for that matter. Is there a coat check at your theater? How about a brain check? Pretty sure there was a personality check on set. Kellen Lutz as Hercules has all the appeal of 1970s theme wallpaper. I suppose that’s cruel – by the late 70s, wallpaper had evolved beyond the olive, orange and mustard tones.
Hercules no longer resembles and interior lineman; his build is more like that of a free safety. Oh, and he’s not impressively strong anymore. Yes, Hercules now … uses his wits? Strategizes? Wields a deft sword? I told you to throw out everything you knew about Herc, right? In The Legend of Hercules, he’s still the son of Zeus. Hera allowed it. Yeah, that sounds like Zeus’ wife. The goddess Hera allowed it as peace-vengeance for the future conquering of tyrant King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins, whose diet seems to be working). This Hercules grows up the lesser prince of an 
expansive empire. Well, in theory it’s expansive; these people always talk about conquering others, but in practice the empire seems about as large and populated as the one in Planet of the Apes. And don’t-call-him-Hercules-because-that’s-just-his-secret-Hera-name (what is the name King A and the boys roll with? I forgot. Don’t know. Don’t care) grows up riding horseback and imitating Greg Louganis to impress his would-be squeeze, Hebe (Gaia Weiss). You changed everything else about the Hercules tale and decided to roll with the name of the love interest being an ethnic slur. How long did you spend on this screenplay?
Herc gets to slay the Nemean Lion with some mild horseplay -lionplay? (hey, something in common between the myth and the film!) and is rewarded with death-by-understaffed-army. The battle scenes are key, because they get to rip-off directly from 300, especially focusing on super-leaps and stop-action anticipation. The cinematography here is good, but it amounts to skilled masturbation — the technique adds nothing to the action other than stopping it. Then our muscular pal is sold into wager-combat-slavery in an effort to return and conquer, which is entirely the plot of Gladiator. And again, there’s lots of stop-motion and Super Mario leaping. It’s hard to care when you see something so derivative and false.
Oh, did I mention the bras? And the undies? Both are plentiful in this time of sword n’ sandals. Pretty obvious, too. You might want to think about consulting an historian if you’re gonna make a film like this. I mean, if you don’t care, why stop there? Why not have Hercules wear Air Jordans and use a GPA? Renny Harlin, I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but I liked your work a lot better when you were directing your ex-wife.
This muscle man ain’t Ferrigno
This ain’t the myth we all know
The action is in super slo-mo
I think this Legend has got to go
Rated PG-13, 99 Minutes
D: Renny Harlin
W: Sean Hood, Daniel Giat, Renny Harlin, Giulio Steve
Genre: Sword n’ Plagiarism
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The action desperate
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Personality lovers
