Why, yes! It is time for another Marine recruiting video. How did you know? 300 is back with an all “new” movie. Sort-of new, I suppose. 300: Rise of an Empire covers the concurrent naval battle taking place while the Spartans hold the Hot Pants. Er, I mean Hot Gates. The sequel is just as gripping, just as bloodthirsty, just as homoerotic, just as noble and just as politically one-sided as the original 300, making sure we all know the lengths to which Persians care little about life, love and *GASP* democracy!
Rise of an Empire goes to great length to show the evolution of Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) from pissed-off Prince to evil God-king. The scenes are fascinating but irrelevant, plot-wise. Xerxes has serious wood for obliterating all of Greece, sure, but his 300 battle is on the other side of town. The inclusion of Aegean Mr. Clean also has the unfortunate consequence that I cannot necessarily conclude: good guys-shirtless, bad guys-shirts. Awwww.
I suppose I wouldn’t wear a shirt much either were I cut like a Spartan.
Artemisia (Eva Green) is the villainess here. She cranks up the scorn to “snubbed nomination” level with almost every shot. Yes. That woman wants to kill somebody. Always. There’s background for her, too, but it amounts to: she gets her jollies killin’ Greeks and the men can totally relate because 300: Rise of an Empire is the kind of film where sex and violence are one – if you are of this opinion, do not miss the white flag meeting between Artemisia and Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton); it’s the best sex scene since Blue is the Warmest Color.
The Greeks are led by Themistokles. We’re immediately reminded that independent Spartans play by their own rules and Themistokles has the great pleasure of following their lead. While the Leonidas and the ααα-male frathouse was a tough act to follow, 300.2 did it 
right, concentrating the battle at sea: while there’s still plenty of hand-to-hand combat and perhaps a record amount of slo-mo blood spurting, there’s also game play at work. The much smaller Greek fleet constantly out-maneuvers their clumsy opponents. In fact, so often this happens, with such devastating effect that this is where Rise of an Empire starts not to work. Artemisia grumbles impatiently at her underlings incompetence like an impotent Darth Vader. Hey, babe, it’s your fleet; you want better results? Take the freaking helm.
300: Rise of an Empire, much like the original, is incredibly stylish if hopelessly derivative. You can only play this Shirts v. Skins game so long before we all realize it’s been done. And, just like 300, I loathe the message. Is this hate-mongering at its worst? No. But it’s not far. There’s no question this is a metaphor for urging American forces to continue battling Middle Eastern foes. The darker people are evil. They’ve sold their souls to kill us. There was even a suicide bomber scene (ancient Persian style, of course). I must have heard “hate our freedom” at least thrice in this movie. Do they really hate our freedom? Really? And that’s a good enough reason to die for? I’m sorry; call me “naïve” or “un-American” or anything else you please, but I believe nobody goes to war just because, “they hate our freedom.” Do you hate their “lack of freedom?” Is that a good enough reason for you to strap on a rifle and head to where the bad guys are? I suspect not, but I honestly don’t know.
♪Where can you find wave or
Homoerotic behavior?
Learn enemies intimately
Where can you begin to make
Your ends all come true
At the hands of great beauty?
Where can you learn to slice
With the ultimate knife
Study all things “culinary”
Fight a sea behemoth
Wearing just your loin cloth
Reinventing history
In the navy!
You can face the Persian hoard
In the navy!
Death is its own reward
In the navy
Come on now, Greeks get off the sand
In the navy, in the navy♫
Rated R, 102 Minutes
D: Noam Murro
W: Zack Snyder & Kurt Johnstad
Genre: Inspirational maiming
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: War enthusiasts
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Pacifists
♪ Parody inspired by “In the Navy”
