Oh, thank God! Another Fast & Furious film. Hey, wait, this isn’t Fast & Furious. ‘Cuz if this is Fast & Furious, where are the huge ethnically-challenged bald guys? None of those, huh? Well, what have you got here? Paunchy hero … mediocre love interests … race team straight out of Cars … weaselly villain? None of this is making me happy. Hold up a sec. Fast cars?! Illegal street racing?! Defiance of physical laws of space and time?! Well, why didn’t you say so? Now I’m as pleased as a cat in a downpour. I suppose it was just a matter of time before others started cashing in on the Fast & Furious popularity. Truth is, however, these films have been around forever; when I was growing up, they were called things like Corvette Summer, The Gumball Rally and Annie Hall.
Cashing in on Breaking Bad, Aaron Paul decided to introduce us to his inner Paul Walker. He downshifts to Tobey, the can’t-possibly-be-misunderstood- hero/racing car enthusiast. His team of sycophantic auto racing garage punks make no reasonable living turning fast cars into super-fast cars. I bet the market on this is quite specialized.
The guys in this genre of film seem oddly asexual. I mean, I know some of them have “wives” and “girlfriends,” but you get the idea that they’d sooner get busy with something on four wheels. Fellas, you should check out Cameron Diaz in The Counselor.
Long story short, Tobey goes to jail, loses a street race, watches his brother die, forfeits his garage, drops a fortune and reinvents his entire life all through one misplayed street race with rival Dino (Dominic Cooper). The morality in these films is borderline obscene – yes, Dino did create the accident that killed Tobey’s brother, but no part of you, Tobey, thought, “you know, if I hadn’t been street racing in the first place … if I’d just pocketed the $700K I’d earned instead of gambling it … if I hadn’t put literally hundreds of people in imminent harm (including more than a mile of driving against highway traffic) because of my own negligence …” Meh, what am I saying? This is a film in which Dino was able to cover up his participation in a twenty-minute public race during daylight hours with a deadly collision climax on a bridge, no less. Good thing cameras don’t exist … now.
I’m still trying to figure out where this film was supposed to take place, because it clearly wasn’t the USA I live in. It’s not just that Need for Speed takes place in an America that doesn’t exist — the plot holes in this film are large enough to drive a suped-up Mustang through – I mean, you elude a series of police cruisers in Detroit, and that means the police give up entirely?
“Those guys just got away and caused a ton of damage”
“Not our problem.”
“Should we warn the highway patrol?”
“Not our problem.”
“How about an APB?”
“Not our problem.”
“Seriously, Sherriff, this is our job. If this car continues to endanger people, we have the duty to do something about it. And, check this out: we also have the tools to do something about it. I mean, how many silver turbo-modified Mustangs with blue racing stripes are out joyriding at this time?”
“Johnson, pack your bags. You’re fired.”
The next part just absolutely baffles the scientifically-minded fan. Mustang needs a refuel on the run, ok, how is the fuel truck driven by Tobey’s toadies within four zip codes of the Mustang? They were both together in Detroit. And how did they beat Tobey to Utah? What, is there a wormhole? Did Tobey and Julia (Imogen Poots – still the worst name in the biz; don’t believe me? Try checking out her JLo treatment.), on a deadline mind you, take the scenic route? I get that Tobey’s flying pal Benny (Scott Mescudi) can beat him to certain places through the convention of an unlimited number of flying friends who owe him favors. BTW, what flight plan do you file to cover air traffic for a street 
race, anyway? Yet, it still seems very far-fetched – “hey, I need to borrow your plane to provide air cover for illegal street racing and I’m gonna deposit it two states away. Ummmm, we good?” Exactly how many co-pilots did Benny save in Irafghanistan, anyway?
My favorite part, however, was the curiously empty streets of San Francisco. Caught The City on an off-night, did you? Being a local, I’m actually a little put off by how much traffic had to be diverted just to film your nonsense. And all for yet another illegal street race in the –also curiously empty—north bay. Well, huh, it’s treacherous, expensive, illegal, needlessly endangers innocent civilians, will almost certainly attract law enforcement -meaning jail time will follow- and winning will almost certainly comes down to random luck. Why would anybody enter such a race?
One thing these street race car films have taught me is how difficult it is to pass a car on a two-lane road without being a dick. And also – all of life’s problems can be solved by driving your real fast car real fast. I’d try it, but I live in reality.
A man of mind hardly curious
Believes swiftness quality: “luxurious”
His drivin’? Outta sight!
Unique? Yeah, right.
This is a complete rip of Fast ‘n’ Furious
Rated PG-13, 132 Minutes
D: Scott Waugh
W: George Gatins & John Gatins
Genre: Furiously fast
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Dominic Toretto
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Downton Abbey-ites
