My brother once commented about Titanic, “if you didn’t know any history at all, midway through you’d cross your fingers that the boat sinks – luckily, there was payoff.” The volcano doesn’t blow soon enough in Pompeii, unfortunately. At less than half the runtime as it’s ocean-challenged friend, Pompeii doesn’t reach disaster fast enough to erase the memory of bad theft.
Pompeii is a thematic carbon copy of Titanic – common boy and rich girl fall in love to the backdrop of an unforeseen notable future disaster, society and family forbid, yet all is moot as you’re all screwed by the end of the tale anyway. Having now seen this tale more than once, I pre-resent its future iterations:[unordered_list style=”bullet”]
- Hindenburg: a bagboy falls for a German baroness, but their love is thwarted by her uncle, who’s also the … um … ship’s captain. Yeah, that’s it. The Captain. Go with that (starring Zac Efron and Cate Blanchett).
- 9/11: a street punk attempts to return a dropped cell phone to a female CEO. They had female CEOs in the World Trade Center in 2001, right? They fall in love, but the Board of Directors are displeased and each member attempts to spoil the relationship in the 45 minutes between plane collision and the impending building collapse (starring Jaden Smith and Amy Adams with Benedict Cumberbatch as the chairman of the board).
- Chernobyl – A Gulag refugee meets a Soviet Party member and they fall in love, each according to his need. But all are equal in Soviet Russia, and disaster fells capitalist society instead! Couple lives, imperialist swine! (Starring Chris Hemsworth and Jennifer Lawrence)
Oh yeah, it also stole from Gladiator.
Milo (Kit Harington) is a slave-child of the Celtic horse peoples. As a very young child, he watched his people get slaughtered by Roman-senator to be, Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland). And despite being sold into slavery shortly thereafter, he retained his horse-sense (so-to-speak) through two decades of bondage. It’s just one of several things that don’t make sense. Ten minutes later, he courtesy-euthanizes a carriage horse. It was suffering, see, and slave Milo just couldn’t bear the pain, so to show what a horse whisperer he is, he risks his life to go break the animal’s neck. Yeah, that 
happened. And guess what? This action suddenly makes him sponge-worthy in the eyes of noblette Cassia (Emily Browning). Guess what, now? It’s a bad film.
As we know from many films on the subject, all the Romans ever did was show up for slavery slaughter-based entertainment. That’s why Milo is in Pompeii, to be fodder. Local leader and, I’m guessing Head of Pompeii’s Board of Tourism, Severus (Jared Harris) — “Severus,” really? We’re gonna steal from Harry Potter, now? Don’t give me that “it’s a Roman name” crap. It isn’t. Not any more, at least. It’s the name of Harry’s least favorite teacher and doesn’t belong on a fictional benevolent man– Anyway, Severus is looking to get Pompeii out of the bush leagues and into some prime papyrus, right? He has this idea about upgrading the local Oracle Arena with some skyboxes and pay-per-view stuff. Hence, moneyman and Roman playah Corvus is here to shake the cash and oppress the daughter.
This is Kiefer Sutherland’s worst acting ever. And you’re reading the words of somebody who saw The Cowboy Way. Kiefer decided that being an evil Roman senator meant he had to be evil in every.single.scene. He also adopted a strange mealy-mouthed accent to go with his overacting. There’s even a “not dead” eyes-wide-open moment straight from the worst of B-Grade horror towards the end of this “performance.” K, man, check out your dad; he got it right in Hunger Games – withhold the evil. The audience will get it when they see slimy actions.
Is it cheesy to say Pompeii is an eruption of stupidity? Probably. Don’t care. This isn’t legendary bad — there is some very nice cinematography and I cared enough to want to see Milo outlast Corvus. There’s also the “you’re all screwed” moment when the camera pans out to show the town is directly between mountain and sea. I always love a “you’re all screwed” moment. Good luck, folks.
This ancient tale’s no lampoon
Though it sings a familiar tune
I sense Gladiator
And Titanic regurgitator
That ‘cano can’t blow too soon
Rated PG-13, 105 Minutes
D: Paul W.S. Anderson
W: Janet Scott Batchler, Lee Batchler, Michael Robert Johnson
Genre: Land-Titanic
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Do you like movies about gladiators?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Historians
