Have you ever heard anybody use the term “hard-knock life?” I haven’t heard that expression outside of an Annie reference in 40 years. I was hoping for a modern update, and while this Annie reboot has distinct African-American flavor in the leads, such didn’t translate as much of an ethnic or techno revival.
Annie (Quvenzhané Wallis — she found work! The walking random Scrabble draw has found work!) is clean. I guess I didn’t exactly expect Oliver! here, but foster kid Annie and the mutt she collects look about as homeless as the kid from Home Alone. Cameron Diaz does her best impression of a cranky foster mom, but the movie constantly wants it both ways – Hannigan (Diaz) has to be nasty and domineering, but not really. Just like Annie has to be destitute and desperate, but not really. Do remember when you look to adopt that your prospective child be absolutely adorable and can sing and dance and light up a stage on cue.
Jamie Foxx has the role of Daddy Warbucks, er “Will Stacks,” here. Will is a billionaire running for mayor and proves exactly the kind of out-of-touch politican you don’t want in office – his palate has become so refined, he can no longer taste mashed potatoes without gagging. Yeah, that’s the guy you want representing New York City. I counted four (4) Jamie Foxx spit takes in this film – that’s some quality directing, Will Gluck – four spit takes, but Will somehow found a direct Purell squirt to the mouth acceptable.
There is all sorts of wrong with this depiction of Will, not the least of which is: where are Will’s loved ones? He has a nice toadie (Rose Byrne) and a naughty toadie (Bobby 
Cannavale), but both are employees. There’s no woman? Man? Random set of sycophants? Of course, fate intervenes when Will saves Annie from a non-stopping van. It’s the kind of thing I’d assume was staged if it were real, which it wasn’t, so … yeah, it was staged. Suddenly, the out-of-touch billionaire has a human connection; the more he exploits it, the more his poll numbers rise. Annie and he have a symbiotic relationship; now, all that’s left is making him care.
For the Annie-impaired, there are two good numbers in the musical: “Tomorrow” and “It’s a Hard Knock Life” and they’re both over in the first twenty minutes. You can probably leave after that part. The only decent moments you won’t get from the trailer are the foster kids and Will at a movie premiere for some horrible fantasy romance closely resembling Twilight and starring Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. Very tongue-in-cheek stuff for the Twilight hating crowd. Yay, us.
Annie has not lacked for detractors. I’m not quite sure if this is Sony blowback for The Interview, or some sort of knee-jerk inability to accept a black Annie. However –and I speak as someone who watches a lot of crappy movies—I didn’t find this one all that abhorrent, comparatively, as you did. Now Annie ain’t a good film; it suffers from an overdose of cute and a great amount of “Hollywood homeless” where ugly is ugly because we say it’s so – there’s a dearth of actual poverty, crime, disease or any other negative one might associate with foster homes. At the the end of the day, Annie is all about Annie. That sounds cliché, but I like Quvenzhané Wallis, hence I didn’t hate Annie. Yes, I’m giving this the same two stars I gave Interstellar a month ago. And I’d do it again.
♪The pan’ll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dweller
That tomorrow
I’ll hate this!
Just thinkin’ about
Direction
With the cheesy film sets
Of “destitution”
Makes me gag!
Tomorrow
The sorrow
I’ll hate ya
Come morrow
You’re only a reel away! ♫
Rated PG, 118 Minutes
D: Will Gluck
W: Will Gluck and Aline Brosh McKenna
Genre: Manipulation
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Suckers for musicals
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “Annie isn’t black!”
♪ Parody inspired by “Tomorrow”
