Cinderella is just about the most emasculating tale of our time. Every young woman in the kingdom comes out for a chance at the prince. Only the prince. Many don’t know what he looks like. Many more still know not a thing about him. But every girl around has tabbed him as the #1 lottery pick. There it is, fellas. What matters? Money and power. Personality? Warmth? Brains? Heart? Courage? Ruby red slippers? Screw that. If I’m a dude in that kingdom, do I even bother showing up at the ball? I mean, what’s the point? “Say Doll, I can offer a lifetime of comfort, support and undying love. He can offer 15 seconds of face time … and you’re going to the ball anyway, huh?” Well, I can’t fault the women of the kingdom for lack of self-belief.
Of course, the culmination of this idiocy is the prince (Richard Madden) digs the one maiden (Lily James) who isn’t a sycophant. In turn, this guy is such an oak that five minutes in the forest and he’s spouting her personal philosophy verbatim. Love that integrity, your royal wishy-washiness.
This Kenneth Branagh version is pretty one. No question. The cinematographer certainly had a ton o’ fun here. The costumer did as well. The writer (Chris Weitz), however, varied with the traditional tale the way a $1 bill minted in San Francisco varies from a $1 bill minted in Philadelphia. Finding something original in this tale is a distinct challenge – derivative isn’t just a key word, it’s a way of life, from the meet-cute not unlike the same in Ever After and Ella’s refrain “Lave
nder’s Blue” taken from Disney’s So Dear to My Heart. Even the pre-game cartoon was a Frozen short that put me in the mind of “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” portion of Fantasia. I suppose there was a little more of Ella’s background and perhaps an understanding of why she consistently shows “courage and kindness” – get used to that line; you’ll hear it often—in the face of becoming an orphan slave in her own home.
For me, it’s important to note that this isn’t necessarily a happily ever after tale. Cinderella’s parents are dead. She loved them a lot. In their place, she acquires three bitches (Cate Blanchett, Sophie McShera, Holliday Grainger). They treat her cruelly. We know this. the tale ain’t changin’. My question is how can one harbor the belief that Cinderella’s ever after will never reflect on dead parents and cruel step-monsters? And how could dad (Ben Chaplin) have not noticed his new wife was so horrible, anyway?
I digress. This Cinderella is sumptuous but bland at the same time, like making a chocolate fountain out of tofu. Lily James is a far cry from Drew Barrymore (Ever After) or Anne Hathaway (Ella Enchanted). Truth? I’m more attracted to Hilary Duff’s Cinderella. Richard Madden’s chief characteristic is a set of teeth that can blind a polar bear. He’s jovial, at least, so spendin
g eternity with him probably beats Edward Cullen. Just wear the blinders when you’re at the dual bathroom sinks together, eh love?
I wonder if the bottom of the Best Actress Oscar award now comes with an admission ticket to play a classic Disney villainess. Congratulations, Cate Blanchett! You have your choice: Evil Stepmother, Wicked Queen, Witch or Sea Monster. Choose wisely. Charlize Theron chose Wicked Queen and was never seen again. Wait your turn, Jennifer Lawrence.
Look, if you’ve never seen the Cinderella tale before or, I dunno, if seeing the Disney logo makes you wet, well, sure, this film can be serviceable and charming. If, on the other hand, you’ve been around this block a few too many times or perhaps for some crazy reason, you enjoy character development or actors good at overcoming weak scripts, well, this ain’t the movie for you.
♪Gold crown, palace fling
You know you dig that his father’s the king
White teeth, grey sword
“Heavens, Miss, I don’t mean anything untoward.”
They come for dancin’ just as fast they can
Cause every serf’s crazy ’bout a Royal man♫
Rated PG, 112 Minutes
D: Kenneth Branagh
W: Chris Weitz
Genre: Same old, same old
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: People who crap Disney
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Sugardaddies
♪ Parody inspired by “Sharp Dressed Man”
