So, sure, there’s a fleet of supercharged muscle cars parachuting down from the heavens. Why not? And their occupants have varied expressions of, “this is insane, right?” Yes, it is. Of course it is. But not Vin Diesel. His expression is all business. He’s in the driver’s seat of a vehicle plummeting to the earth as fast as gravity will allow and his expression says, “Game face: I’ve got a job to do.” I can’t honestly decide whether this is brilliant acting or terrible acting, but it’s definitely acting. Nobody can accuse these films of not trying.
What boggles my mind when it comes to the Furious 7 franchise is that these films are actually pretty good at answering, “why?” but terrible at answering, “how?” E.g. “Why was there an air lift of muscle cars onto a remote mountain pass in the part of Eastern Europe that looks a lot like California?” Well, that’s simple – the gang needs to track down professional revenge machine Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham) and to do so, the CIA has allowed them the equipment to take an ultimate tracking device stolen by local warlord who has limited his public exposure to this scenic journey which leaves his caravan relatively exposed. “Ok, and why is Deckard Shaw there?” Well, clearly he wants to eliminate the crew members as they were responsible for putting his brother in a coma in Fast & Furious 6 and while they’re racing Mad Max vehicles through the mountains after an armored bus seemed as good a time as any.
Now, HOW did Deckard know they were t
here? (He and the warlord hadn’t met before and even if they had, this was a coup completely introduced by the CIA, not Vinnie and the cruisers) And how did he get on the private road they had to be air lifted into? And even if he knew all that, how did he know to show up in a combo muscle car/off road vehicle? And how is it nobody ever gets hurt when the cars crash? Heck, there’s a head on full speed collision between Diesel and Statham in this film and both drivers got out of the car a tad woozy, but unharmed. How?
Stop asking questions, Jim.
By the way, the very worst thing this franchise can do is call upon itself. Look, nobody cares what happened in the previous films. You may as well try to recall subplots in Transformers II or Pirates of the Caribbean III. Nobody cares about the plot of F&F6; Jason Statham shows up to do evil in F7, that’s all you really need to know. [Do we get a refresh at F9? :rimshot:]
Of course, this brings up one the genuine issues in name-casted action films. Jason Statham hasn’t lost a fight in his life, has he? Neither has The Rock. Nor Vin Diesel. So if you pit them against one another, well, somebody might (GASP) lose! Are you sure you’ve thought this through? Deckard Shaw announces his presence by eliminating the crew member we care the least about (Han, i.e. the Asian guy); notable here is the film is far less concerned about the FuriousWorld death than the off screen death of Paul Walker.
James Wan is my favorite current director of horror. This material is beneath him. I’m not saying he’s terrible here, but even Tyler Perry could do justice to a car racing from the 97th floor of Abu Dhabi Tower 1 to the 83rd floor of Abu Dhabi Tower 2 without using the ground. His tack is to pepper the outrageous stunts with talk of “family.” This is buoyed by the fact that Dom (Diesel), Brian (Walker) and Mia (Jordana Brewster) all live together. Mia takes care of baby and has another future daredevil on the way. Dom is sad, aww, because Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) has forgotten she’s in love with Mr. Clean. And then the whole family talk is 
completely undermined by the testosterone-induced idiocy these walking death wishes promote.
Family doesn’t drag race for pinks. Family certainly doesn’t try to take out an airborn drone from above with an ambulance. This is just stupid. Think about the needless way Paul Walker actually died and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. But these films aren’t for thinking. If you’ve come to apply logic, you’re in the wrong theater.
The fellas are back for more stunt –filled shlock
There’s Walker and Diesel and of course, The Rock
Dunno ‘bout “Fast”
These films can last
Want “Furious?” Try watching the clock.
Rated PG-13, 137 Minutes
D: James Wan
W: Chris Morgan
Genre: Giving men a reason to feel special
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Did the Super Bowl spot give you wood?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Young women who only now realize they are dating a child
