Just when you think life can’t get any weirder, somebody makes a blockbuster vehicle for Megan Fox. By now, Megan is used to working beside cartoons like Ninja Turtles, Transformers and Shia LaBeouf. That doesn’t make her acting tolerable, mind you, just familiar. It’s like a pet stain on the carpet that you couldn’t get out. After a while, you just get used to it.
Once upon a time, I thought Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were a cool idea. That time was 1985, before this reptilian-themed celluloid ruined whatever fun might blossom from the imagination. Since then, we’ve explained the phenomena through two TV cartoon shows, three unconvincing feature length comedies and about a thousand merchandising campaigns. I’m less sold than ever that TMNT is a cool idea. My biggest problem with these films is I cannot tell the turtles apart. My second biggest problem with these films is I don’t care that I can’t tell them apart.
Now, to be fair, two of the turtles in this version seemed almost unique – sure, all four look exactly the same beneath the color coded outfits, but one spoke as if he were destined to be runner-up on the Latino Dating Game and another wore glasses, so I guess he was the smart one … although the second any of the four giant homo-saptilians did anything even mildly intelligent would have been a first for me. Perhaps they were just empty frames.
Speaking of empty frames, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is full of ‘em. Let me back up. For anybody who doesn’t about the TMNT legend and is curious – in the sewers of NYC, there are four huge scientific mistakes: giant talking, human-sized turtles. I think they’re technically tortoises, btw – certainly little has been made of their true amphibious nature. They wear masks, don ninja weapons, are named after Renaissance artists and depending on who you consult, act with all the maturity of video-gaming 10-year-old boys or a college fraternity.
Despite their odd parentage, crude dwelling, traumatic childhood, and completely unique biological composition, none of these guys has a unique thought. Ever.
In the first half-hour, director Jonathan Liebesman chose to hide the warrior terrapins like Steven Spielberg hides the shark in Jaws. This is a tad disconcerting as this isn’t a horror. Wait. 
I’ll clarify. To most people, this isn’t a horror. And, you know, since this is a “comedy,” doncha want to see the creatures who will be responsible for the “comedy?” Am I asking too much?
Oh, and they’re also ninjas. Taught by a mutated rat. In this version, none of the creatures in question is older than 15, and all have been hidden away in sewers for at least a decade, but that didn’t stop them from developing world class martial arts skills. Remind yourself this a movie in which Megan Fox is a skilled beat reporter.
William Fichtner shows up, so there’s a bad guy. He’s not the bad guy, but it hardly matters. The mere presence of Fichtner in any film gives the view a source of scorn. What do you suppose the RDA of scorn is? Can we put it in the “Nutrition Facts” section of food packaging?
Bottom line here is I didn’t find the turtles funny, I’m not in love with Megan Fox, every.single.fight in this ninja film is one-sided, and the novelty of this comic book idea wore off while I was still in college (which was a frighteningly and increasingly long time ago). Take your star and be grateful, turtles; you don’t deserve better.
A return of our heroes teen ag-ed
More action-laced idiocy, I dread
Hey, here’s a thought:
Ponder, why not?
How about let ‘em grow up instead?
Rated PG-13, 101 Minutes
D: Jonathan Liebesman
W: Josh Appelbaum, André Nemec and Evan Daugherty
Genre: Bad Halloween Party
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Six year old boys.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: My Little Pony
