Middle Earth isn’t fun any more. I want to go home. Smaug dies before the opening title. Seriously. In film #2 it’s all, “ooooooooo, Desolation of Smaug, ooooooooo.” In The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, Smaug is THE MAN … for about five minutes. Oh, yeah, he blows fire, destroys Laketown but good, and then, what? One well-placed arrow and the behemoth goes down faster than the overwhelming favorite in a Don King undercard. Way to go, glass Jaws. Some terror you are.
Then, we get old-timers day at the wizardlympics. Watching Christopher Lee, Hugo Weaving, Sylvester McCoy, Ian McKellan, and relative spring chicken forty-five year old Cate Blanchett battling shadows, I am reminded of the “South Park” epidsode where the kids buy ninja weapons and demonstrate use of such by battling imaginary air foes (actual combat might hurt somebody, you see). This Old Timers Day in Middle Earth marked the first time in the six Peter Jackson Orcstravaganzas that the action looked fake. Not just Legolas sliding off a dinosaur fake — CGI Orlando Bloom actually looks like he’s battling foes. I’m talking Star Wars kid fake.
Finally, some story – the dwarves have reclaimed their treasure and put out the “no peddlers” sign, blocking up the cave entrance for good measure. Wait a sec. Why didn’t they just use this entrance in the first place? It’s not like they caught Smaug unawares. So, six hours of film into this thing and it’s now all about treasure and everybody wants in. Even the elves. Seriously, you guys are in it for the money, too? You’re immortal. Freaking invest in something. Anything.
And this is where The Hobbit loses me. Yeah, I see Bilbo (Martin Freeman) be kinda goofy and Thorin (Richard Armitage) lead by iron mace, but where is your message, Peter Jackson? Do you remember Lord of the Rings? Do you remember Frodo? One little hobbit carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders? Frodo is the everyman of Middle Earth. Frodo represents the struggle of all common persons to choose good over the sway of power. As long as humans exist, that struggle is relevant. That message is timeless.
Here’s what we have in The Hobbit – handful of dwarves, brave and determined, motivated by a touch of greed and a mildly noble cause. And what happens? The dwarves con several peoples into aiding their quest to claim the lonely mountain and in doing so become instantly rich and at same time unleash a fire breathing dragon bent on destroying Laketown. In one fell swoop, without even raising a sword and certainly without apology, Thorin Oakenshield becomes the richest being in Middle Earth while instigating the destruction of everything in a 50 mile radius. Wow, how relevant! I thought I was watching 2007 happen all over again. Thorin even gives in to avarice – hiding atop his mountain of gold and refusing to play nice; and in greedy fervor, he then turns on his own people. This is straight out of American life. All that’s missing here are the barons of untouched suburbs to forgive, nay 
applaud, Thorin and the dwarf efforts as venture capitalists while denigrating Bilbo as a socialist for stealing the Arkenstone in an effort to bring peace.
Hence, the conclusion seems fairly logical – Thorin quickly buys cheap the destroyed land in Laketown, then pays a pittance to its citizens to rebuild their now rental properties while privileged asshole Elves sit back and proclaim Thorin’s greatness as the only job creator in Middle Earth. Yes, that would be a perfect reflection on the end of the Bush era.
But this didn’t happen.
Instead, Thorin “sees the light,” shuns his riches and turns to battle. I found this transformation disingenuous in both context and character. While it may have worked in the book, it doesn’t on film. And the whole greed angle, the entire Arkenstone McGuffin, is abandoned in favor of a now pointless battle. And remind me to enjoy the Arkenstone McGuffin the next time I’m at McDonald’s.
I suppose the battle is why we’re here, isn’t it? Not just for the culmination of the tale, but because Peter Jackson’s wizardry with making war cool knows no bounds. That is, until now. I don’t know which people were responsible for the barrel ride antics in Desolation – easily one of the most creative and, dare I say, fun battles in cinematic history, but that creativity is DOA by Five Armies. Man, nobody eviscerates an orc quite like Peter Jackson … wha’ happen’, man? These bludgeonings are pretty run-of-the-mill; I need not see this again at all.
I know I didn’t get cheated here – this is A LOT of movie – there’s 144 full minutes of orcs and elves and dwarves and hobbits and wizards and fire and worms and warthogs and battle rams and a weasel in a dress. Yet, at the end of the day, there wasn’t anything to miss. And I’m good with leaving Middle Earth once and for all. Now let’s reboot Harry Potter.
Bilbo’s triumph is now through
Kinda empty, whatchagonnado?
There’s limited joy
In three films, oh boy
Hobbit could easily have been told in two
Rated PG-13, 144 Minutes
D: Peter Jackson
W: Fran Walsh, Philippa Boyens, Peter Jackson & Guillermo del Toro
Genre: Milking the cash cow
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Hobbits
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The greedy
