I wanted to write this review in the form of the “$25,000 Pyramid,” but it just didn’t work. You’d have to see the movie to get the jokes, and that’s a pretty cruel requirement. The Pyrmaid is a solid combination of evil – a knockoff presenting itself as original, a found footage film which never describes itself as found footage and the research smacks of a Jr. High student waiting until Sunday night to start the assignment.
Ashley Hinshaw is the worst new find in the actress world. In the tradition of Dr. Denise Richards, Ashley plays a scientist unearthing a new three-sided Egyptian pyramid. Why is it three-sided? Because this movie is stupid, that’s why. Manipulating the election riot frenzy in Egypt last year, The Pyramid uses a background of political unrest to show neither political unrest nor comment on the power succession, but simply to establish a window – “you will leave the country within 24 hours.” Awwwwww, but if they have to leave, they won’t get to spoil an historic find.
And spoil they do. Like any good scientist, Nora (Hinshaw) brings her dad (Denis O’Hare), her boyfriend (Amir K) and an exploitation TV camera crew (Christa Nicola and James Buckley – I kept wondering where I’d seen James before. “Oh yeah, he’s one of those Inbetweener kids, ain’t he? … I guess he’s ‘in between’ careers now, huh?”). And like all good scientists, the quintet has no problem with disturbing any number of relics, artifacts and ancient structures. And like all good historic finds, this one looks like it hasn’t been disturbed in several hundred seconds.
Did I mention everybody here is a white American? Do you have any idea how obnoxious it is for Americans to claim rights of an historic find of this magnitude in Egypt in the 21st Century? Mind boggling. Absolutely mind boggling.
Inside the crypt are aggressive giant mutant rats. How do they exist in an ecosystem that has been closed for, literally, thousands of years? Cannibalism. Yes, using only themselves for sustenance, they managed to survive a few millennia. Do you have any idea how much sense that doesn’t make? It didn’t make sense in Piranha 3D, and it still doesn’t make sense now.
Thanks to rats, a fallen archstone, and a very poor sense of direction, the quintet quickly becomes a quartet. That’s all right; I didn’t need a boyfriend anyway. And, seriously, the guy was a total perv — it’s one thing to spy on your girlfriend, it’s another to tape the 
spying on your girlfriend and still another to automatically transmit the taped spying to NORAD. WTF?
The Pyramid plays exactly like this summer’s As Above So Below, except that it lacks for the claustrophobia and surreal feel of the latter. Also, the cast of The Pyramid proved 100% ineffective at selling horror. Huh. Maybe I was too harsh of As Above; it sure was better than this.
Now I hate to give away the plot, even in a bad movie, but this part is priceless: The Pyramid is inhabited by an angry Anubis. Like Honey Badger before him, Anubis don’t give a shit if you’re dead or not, he’s collecting your heart and weighing it for purity. I don’t know what his rules are exactly, but I guess it’s a good thing he’s locked underground if all he cares about is ripping your heart out of your chest and placing it on a scale. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure that won’t solve angina.
The best part? Anubis looks like he’s ready for a day at the gym. I swear Anubis is wearing jams. Yes, Anubis, the jackal-headed god of the Egyptian underworld. “Got my jams, got my game face. Oh, yeah, Anubis, you’re the man, baby! You’re the god of the fucking underworld baby! Who got game? Who got game? Yeah, and you’re in my house now, bitches!”
If the final category were “things I imagine Anubis saying,” you’re probably not winning the $25K. And you’re probably not seeing The Pyramid.
♪All the white folks in the tombs
They do a sad dance
Don’t you know?
First they say, “touch nothing”
Then they’re felling walls like a domino
And the cameramen on the scene
He’s got Emmy in his head
Suddenly his foolishness comes forth
One blow and oops he’s dead
Trespassers everywhere pretending they’re not
(Assho-o-o-o-oles)
Grave rob an Egyptian♫
Rated R, 89 Minutes
D: Grégory Levasseur
W: Daniel Meersand, Nick Simon
Genre: Claustrophoboriffic
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Ashley Hinshaw’s mom
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Archaeologists
♪ Parody inspired by “Walk Like an Egyptian”
