Kids! Kids! Come quick! A cartoon just for you! It’s over two hours long and contains no humor, but the artwork is bland and minimalist! Based on a Japanese folk legend, The Tale of Princess Kugaya is an incredible one-hundred-and-thirty-seven-minutes of dull pain. Not much happens, and what little does happen is distracting and irrelevant. Studio Ghibli, you’ve done it again!
Some hideous cartoon man with the voice of James Caan is out cutting bamboo one day when he gets to a shiny stalk. Inside is a teacup-sized princess and some gold. The Princess (voice of Chloë Grace Moretz) grows like a cartoon character so we can all relish the medium before we abandon it for two hours.
Short synopsis – teacup girl grows, plays and has friends. Nobody bothers questioning how she was born of bamboo nor what she represents. She has a happy childhood, but dad decides to make it happier by dragging her away from her friends and sequestering her forever in a palace where she’s taught civility lessons she neither wants nor needs. When rumors spread of the girl’s (now Princess’) beauty, common men and eventually royalty flock to her like flies to a substance flies prefer. She wants none of this, but humors everybody because after all, it’s medieval Japan and she’s a she.
The worst part of this for me is the complete lack of irony in the men flocking to the princess. One old dude says she’s pretty and men come a runnin’, huh? Look, I don’t care that for some ridiculous reason your cultural idea of beauty is removing the eyebrows, painting white face and blackening the teeth. Sure, if putting her in a gorilla mask and sticking carrots in her ears gives your culture a chubby, go right ahead. But whaddaya say we examine the series of ideas that surround this terrible look, huh? The girl has no free will; the girl’s ultimate happiness lies in marrying a stranger; men flock to rumored beauty; beauty is the only reason to collect a bride … should I go on here? It would be one thing if this tale were delivered tongue-in-cheek “look at what our standards were, ha ha…” This is not the case.
And the punchline? It’s all irrelevant. After ignoring princess bamboo’s wishes for years and leading her down a long marriage pathway fraught with ennui, everybody discovers the 90-minute-long marriage ruse was absolutely irrelevant to the plot, to the conclusion, and to her motivation. The theme of The Tale of Princess Kugaya may as w
ell be “eventually this movie has a point, but you won’t see it for a while, and it won’t jive with anything we showed you already.”
I’m going to put this very simply – I don’t know what works in Japan. Clearly, you’ve had your own formula for success, but in my country a feature length animated film needs two things: It has to be short and it has to be funny. Sometimes you can substitute music for humor, but if ain’t “Let It Go,” then you have to let it go. There are exceptions, of course, but I kept watching Princess Kugaya wondering why it was animated. What benefit is there? The animation isn’t very good and delivers next to none of the natural benefits one gets from the medium. This has been true in a series of recent Studio Ghibli films.
I seem to be the sole detractor of Studio Ghibli these days, so I’m going to relish it. You SG-lovin’ fools are in serious denial. The Wind Rises was a yawn fest and celebrated Japan’s role in WWII – you know, the one where they fought on the side of the Nazis, right? From Up on Poppy Hill was embarrassingly bad. The Tale of Princess Kugaya? Who is this for? Children? Traditionalists? Bamboo farmers? Professional story tellers as a cautionary tale? You wish to pretend this is quality film, sure, go ahead. Why not? But at least view the competition before you bitch when it doesn’t win any awards.
Bringing my sanity to the brink
Ghibli emits another stink
The Princess Tale
Is two hours stale
And the water color ain’t worth the ink
Rated PG, 137 Minutes
D: Isao Takahata
W: Isao Takahata & Riko Sakaguchi
Genre: Studio can you Ghi-bli-eve this thing is 137 minutes long?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Studio Ghibli executives and their families
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Bored children
