Ever been naked on a bed in a hotel room with two prostitutes when Cedric the Entertainer barges in? Sure, of course you have, who hasn’t? It’s when Cedric wants to join in – now that’s a problem.
That particular dilemma arose when Andre Allen (writer/director/star/punching bag Chris Rock) is recreating his lowest point – a trip to Houston in which his sleazy promoter (CtE) has taken it upon himself to provide the talent with talents, then remove him from the equation and stick him with the bill. The look of horror on Chris Rock’s face when he realizes that the little Entertainer is present and wants to play is, I believe, worth the price of admission alone.
Top Five is a “bio” pic; Andre has eclipsed his youthful idiocy and has unsuccessfully translated from Martin Lawrence-type trash comedy movie star to serious performer. His latest endeavor highlighting a Haitian slave uprising is going to be bad. You can tell from the poster. Well … I can tell from the poster. Chris Rock sells slave uprising like John Goodman sells Slimfast. Top Five seems like the kind of film a fella makes to confess his sins and move ahead with his career. Andre Allen is so close to Chris Rock – former stand-up comedian, turned “successful” comic actor. As Chris wrote and directed, I can’t help but wonder how much of himself was actually in this role. Did you just have a sin or two you wanted to get off your chest, Chris? Catharsis or family trouble?
New York Times Critic Chelsea Brown (Rosario Dawson) is Allen’s foil. This entire movie takes place in one day that begins with their meet-repel. On this day, Allen is both promoting his Haitian hate crime and promoting his American hate crime, i.e. his bachelor party — he intends to marry untalented reality star Erica Long (Gabrielle Union) the following day. Andre is in crisis mode as he has a tepid relationship with his fiancée and an adversarial relationship with film critics [read: Chelsea], who don’t find him funny any mor
e. Aw, Chris, don’t be hard on yourself; you’ve never been funny in movies. Don’t take this the wrong way – you were a freaking riot on SNL. It just hasn’t translated. That happens sometimes. Dennis Miller sucks ass on the big screen, too, but SNL has never had a better news anchor. Hence, if you were out to confess your sins in film form, Chris, this part of the confessional doesn’t really work.
The title Top Five refers to a game Allen plays with everybody – “Name your Top Five rap/hip hop artists – go.” This game has merit; if nothing else, it certainly plays to Rock’s predominately black audience. It also reminds us that Chris Rock can have fun when he’s not in R mode – Top Five is, in general, three times as hilarious when there’s nudity on screen. E.g. Spousal advice by Whoopi Goldberg and Adam Sandler and watching Jerry Seinfeld “make it rain” all at a strip club are truly sublime moments. Thank you for that, Chris.
Chris Rock hasn’t improved as an actor. He’s really bad at this. He could use a quality director to keep him from delivering a not-quite-right response or lingering in a moment. He got himself. OK. Well, Chris Rock, director, cannot keep Chris Rock, actor, from missing his marks. However, Chris Rock, writer, has a pretty good idea of what is funny on film. I honor that Chris Rock with a thumbs up.
Chris Rock channels Woody Allen
Doing it all and some, then
When you do every task
Taking on all jobs asked
Panning requires all the ink in the pen
Rated R, 102 Minutes
D: Chris Rock
W: Chris Rock
Genre: Confessional?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Martin Lawrence
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The Kardashians
