Last year, I treated myself to a pungent little piece of excrement known as The Human Centipede. The plot of Cenitpede involved a mad scientist attempting to create a multiperson mouth-to-anus chain of humanity. It was hard to watch, especially when it came to the plot-necessary medical procedures. Mutilation is not something that sits well with me. Awful as Human Centipede was, by virtue of relative uniqueness and partial nudity, it is a superior film to Tusk.
I should have known this thing was going south upon seeing the words “Based On True Events.” I certainly should have known when podcasters Wallace (Justin Long) and Teddy (Haley Joel Osment) profiled a ninja sword wielding youtube sensation who cuts off his own leg. Yes, they show it. No, it doesn’t look real. And Teddy laughs like a jackal while Wallace draws up plans to interview the one-legged teen in person. Class. Pure class.
Yes, Tusk was actually hard to watch before we realize eccentric recluse Howard Howe (Michael Parks) wants to make a walrus out of Wallace. Yes, you read that correctly. Coo coo ca choo, dig? Wearing a moustache suited only for porn, Wallace manages to piss off at least three Canadians before finding Howard’s remote Manitoba home. Let me back up – I’ve found you kind of have to work to piss Canadians off; it’s not an easy task, Tusk. So, while the movie was setting up a situation of asshole v. psychopath, I was desperately wondering if I couldn’t have a third choice.
And, of course, the transformation is slow to torture both victim and audience. Wallace is engaged in tacky conversation when he’s drugged and wakes up to a single 
leg missing. Why not more? Why not go full walrus at once? Because it’s a really bad film. Geez, Kevin Smith, no film ever begged more for Jay & Silent Bob, man. Hell, I’d rather see Jersey Girl again.
Tusk wasted a perfectly good Haley Joel Osment sighting. It’s hard to forgive that; I haven’t seen the guy since Secondhand Lions. While I’m there, I also want to congratulate Kevin Smith for getting Johnny Depp to phone-it-in. I’ve never seen Johnny Depp give a rat’s ass performance before. Oh, he’s had bad films, sure, but even in The Lone Ranger, he cared about the character. This one feels like Smith cashed in on coupon day on an all-Depp-must-go sale. I’d be alarmed to discover Depp spent more than one afternoon on set.
[Editor’s note: Depp’s appearance in this film was almost certainly to help jump start the film career of his daughter, Lily-Rose Melody Depp. In one of the most disgusting display of nepotism outside a Ron Howard movie, Lily-Rose acts alongside the director’s daughter, Harley Quinn Smith. I’d critique their collective performance, but it was my favorite two minutes in this film.]
Take some advice from a guy who sees everything and wishes to share his experience: Please don’t see this film; there’s no level at which it works. It’s bad. Really, really bad. And unpleasant. And brings out the worst in people you might like. And has an awful conclusion. And probably beats its wife when it gets home and cheats on its taxes and parks in handicapped zones. Really bad.
The creation of a human pinniped
On God-like ground you must tread
Forget transformation
My interrogation
Watch again or would I rather be dead?
Rated R, 102 Minutes
D: Kevin Smith
W: Kevin Smith
Genre: Mutilation
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Walrus-men?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Me
