I feel like ever since Jack Nicholson made unapologetic and irascible acceptable qualities for romance in As Good As It Gets, we now get at least one film a year where mediocre single grandparents find romance, whether they deserve it or not. One of the keys to this type of film is finding a title so cliché it can’t possibly be remembered and might even be mistaken for a good film. And with that, I present It’s Complicated, er Something’s Gotta Give, I mean And So It Goes.
Michael Douglas gets to be Nicholson in this version, and he’s a dick. Emotionally vacant, kinda racist, unrealistic, and good-naturedly vile to those around him, Oren Little (Douglas) is destined to find his heart, lost to the death of his wife two years previous. The instruments for this discovery will be his lounge-singing neighbor Leah (Diane Keaton) and *poof* a granddaughter (Sterling Jerins).
The granddaughter premise galled me; Oren’s estranged son Luke (Scott Shepherd) is going to jail, and there’s nobody to take care of his 10-year-old. And, of course, Luke didn’t do it and nobody will take the girl. Really? Nobody? So you pick a guy you don’t like, don’t really respect and clearly doesn’t want the job. Did I mention the mom actually lives, and lives close? The scene with her is appalling; she lives in the ghetto and may as well have a needle sticking out of her arm. Readers should know that if she contested custody, any court would give her the girl in, roughly, 2.4 seconds, and rightly so. Oren’s version of “taking care” of the situation is passing the girl off to neighbor Leah and leaving.
Oren ends up sleeping with Leah. I want you to know this. I want you to know i
t because his foreplay is worse than that of your average JV defensive lineman and his afterglow involves leaving immediately after she shows tears. It’s not like this guy was winning my heart before this moment.
I’m really kind of embarrassed for the fans of this film — do you really think this guy deserves romance? Really? You know romance is a gift, right? You aren’t owed it, ever, but there are things you can do that will get you closer. Oren does none of them. Then there’s my basic rule of film romance: to make a successful film romance, it doesn’t matter who the participants are — fogeys, vampires, caterpillars, aliens, slushballs, Republicans … doesn’t matter at all — bottom line: you have to want to be falling in love with whomever is falling in love of screen. I’d rather take a cheese grater to my thigh than fall in love with this Michael Douglas.
And after that, I’m still trying to get over Rob Reiner being the same guy who directed This Is Spinal Tap. That seems of another universe. I’d weep if I weren’t numb.
A senior of minimal action
Acquires a major distraction
Enter gals, then,
Love and Oren
Become a Fatal Attraction
Rated PG-13, 94 Minutes
Director: Rob Reiner
Writer: Mark Andrus
Genre: Fogey romance
Person most likely to enjoy this film: Optimistic curmudgeons
Person least likely to enjoy the film: Enemies of contrivance, convenience
