Life is just so wonderful when everybody wants to marry you, isn’t it? Continuing the 2015 cinematic theme of women as jars of honey, Far from the Madding Crowd is yet another great reminder to women everywhere that if you’re young and pretty and well-to-do and show the slightest bit of willpower, men will fall over themselves to be with you regardless of how long they’ve known you.
Overcoming her terrible name, Bathsheba Everdene (Carey Mulligan) –forerunner to Katniss?– entertains a marriage proposal approximately every five minutes in this film. “Is it noon, yet? I feel so empty when I haven’t had anyone to discard all morning…” The proper English hornhounds come in fast and furious in this rustic Victorian English landscape. It’s a good thing all the folks here are indeed far from the madding crowd, because in London one guesses the men would literally line up like customers at a deli for their personal rejection.
Bachelor #1 is farmer-next-door Gabriel Oak (Matthias Schoenaerts). He’s into sheep, personal space and awkward small talk. All he needs is a glance at his shoes while in the general vicinity of Bathsheba to be smitten. Of course, she’s next door and the only girl for ten miles in any direction, so it’s hard to tell what smitten actually looks like in this case. “Bathsheba, baby, whaddaya say? Be my wife and then maybe we can actually make contact one day.”
[The English pronunciation here of “Bathsheba” with the emphasis on the first syllable only served to make a bad name worse, btw.]
Bathsheba’s plan of bemusing the world to death with a dimpled smile would almost certainly be upset by being Mrs. Oak, so it’s “no” to the sheep farmer. Luckily for me, Gabriel’s inability to build a proper fence (which shows up twice in Far from the Madding Crowd) costs him landowner status and thus makes an improper match when Bathsheba inherits Downton Abbey or whatever. Phew! Dodged a bullet, there.
Bachelor #2 William Boldwood (Michael Sheen) is a stoic landlord who enjoys long walks and “like” letters. He’s better at proposals and rejections as he’s had solid experience at both. He proposes after receiving a Valentine from Bathsheba stating, “I choo choo choose you!” (with an enclosed picture of a choo choo train). – or was that Ralph Wiggum? I forget– It is impossible for me to know whether a stupid Valentine counts as Bathsheba leading him on, just as it was impossible to tell whether Bathsheba watching Gabriel herd sheep was leading him on. What were the standards for courting in this century?
Bachelor #3 Sergeant Francis Troy (Tom Sturridge) likes to play with his sword and act like a cad. He, too, has been stood up, or so he thought.
It never quite occurred to him to investigate. But, unlike the two men before him, he actually does get a kiss in before proposing to Bathsheba, which I believe was third base in the Victorian era (are there bases in cricket?) right after a sideways glance with an eyebrow raised and a politely turned down invitation to tea.
Far From the Madding Crowd, for me, mostly explored the question: why bother getting married at all? I’m not sure the movie intended this point of view; in fact I’m sure it did not, but it presented a heroine who doesn’t seem interested in intellectual, emotional, physical or spiritual intimacy of any kind. Now that could just be Carey Mulligan’s limitations as an actress, so I’ll rephrase, what is the benefit of marriage? Bathsheba likes Mr. Oak; she likes Mr. Boldwood. She sees them every single day; she confers on matters of the farm and personal interest. She doesn’t seem to care for share time. At that rate, I’d say you’re married already.
♪Oak walks warily with his sheep
His ego way down low
Walkin’ up to the lady next door
He hopes she doesn’t say “no”
Are you ready, hey, to be dismissed
Tossed out by the edge of your seat?
Out of the doorway not fast enough
Man, that’s some defeat
Another one bites the dust
Among the hay and rust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one stuck in lust
Hey, she’ll reject you, too
Another one bites the dust♫
Rated PG-13, 119 Minutes
D: Thomas Vinterberg
W: David Nicholls
Genre: Who’s she gonna say “yes,” to? Er, sorry, that: To whom will the lady assent?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Women who dream about marrying men … and then not doing anything with them
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Tools
♪ Parody inspired by “Another One Bites the Dust”
