Ah, pity the poor sports agent; he makes a living bottom-feeding off the rich and talented, squeezing every last dollar out of the multi-billionaire owner which seems right only in the sense that it’s probably better that the multi-millionaire player we watch on TV have it instead of the multi-billionaire who owns him. The agent hobnobs; he schmoozes; he plays a game nobody pays to view so that pay-per-view can happen. In an ideal world, he doesn’t exist. At all. When the rare one is born with a soul, the transgression is so rare we make homage to him in the form of Jerry Maguire. And when he comes up with an embarrassingly manipulative plan to get out of the “poor house,” the result is Disney knocking, contract in hand.
Million Dollar Arm marks the major film protagonist debut for Jon Hamm as a down-on-his-luck sports agent. Going solo hasn’t been the promised boon, and after losing his biggest client (Rey Maualuga), JB (Hamm) is down to cheap stunts. Flipping back and forth between a cricket match and reality TV, he gets the “brilliant” idea of fishing the Indian talent pool for baseball pitchers. Do they play baseball in India? Of course not. Why do you ask?
So JB Maguire goes to India and makes a game show out of testing novices for major league pitching arms. (FWIW, true baseball fans know there are four components to quality pitching: velocity, location, movement and deception. Only two are examined in this contest and neither at anything resembling an MLB level. What does that mean? This is 100% stunt — nobody in this contest has any real shot of consistently getting major league hitters out.) Jon Hamm seems perfect for this task as the man has all the sincerity of a cartoon character. I don’t think Hamm has a genuine smile to his name; I always think insincerity when I see his teeth. (Personally, I thought the film would be better if he and Bill Paxton switched roles. Paxton plays the blunt-but-good-natured USC pitching coach who trains the noobs.)
Bottom line is JB finds the two Indians who aren’t doing malware tech support and entices them to participate in an extended ad for USC. Does USC need to advertise? Do you really think we weren’t going to get the idea they were on the campus of USC if we didn’t have a red & gold themed gnome? Or the endless parade of t-shirts, pennants and random logos … those weren’t enough? Acquired natives Rinku (Suraj Sharma) and Dineesh (Madhur Mittal) give their best “deer in the headlights” acting while the audience pleasantly assumes India is a country replete with back
water rubes. It’s cute. So is JB’s relationship with neighbor Brenda (Lake Bell). This is formula — the boys learn to love pizza, JB learns not to be an asshole. Everybody learns that making a major league scout go anywhere for anything is simply a matter of advertising.
Now let me pause here. Million Dollar Arm is based on the true life tale of the agent that brought “Who Wants to Pitch Middle Relief for the Pirates?” to India. Say, do you think Indians who know baseball want to play for Cleveland? Just askin’. And would they find that nickname more racist or confusing? Anyway, in real life, was this a cheap stunt? I didn’t think so until I saw the movie. Million Dollar Arm, in its own way, represents the worst of America as a culture: it’s a tale of a man so desperate for personal success, he’s willing to impose American values on any culture willing to let him and then has the audacity to uproot denizens from their culture and force feed them American values. And when the douche actually realizes what he’s done, by golly, he gets to learna valuable pathetic lesson — the globe is smaller than previously imagined. And then Disney gets to cash in on the heartwarming tale.
Million Dollar Arm promotes itself as an underdog tale, but it’s really just a cynical ploy to advertise our culture as superior — you see, not only do we make you rich, we also care. Aren’t Americans great? I didn’t hate Million Dollar Arm, but I never want to see or think about it again. Too late.
An agent with his back to the wall
Selects India to solve problems: all
On moral ground thin
Let he without sin
Outcaste the very first fastball
Rated PG, 124 Minutes
D: Craig Gillespie
W: Thomas McCarthy
Genre: Third-world condescension
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: “Enlightened” Disney Executives
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Offended Indians
