One genre of movie I can’t get too little of is the medieval sword ‘n’ sorcery Satan fest. These are films set in a time when it was always overcast, people wiped their mouths with tattered sleeves and some aging has-been like Nicolas Cage or Jeremy Irons shows up to play Obi-Wan to a young man we’ll probably never see again. These films usually come out in January or February and we think they’re bad because they’re juxtaposed besides an Oscar nominee next door. This is a misconception. The comparison doesn’t matter; these films are just bad.
Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges) is summoned while in a pub. The cliché of ancient guru/borderline alcoholic is still strong. You know that after a hard day, Yoda kicks back at the Dago-bah, Humbug with a couple pints sayin’ stuff like, “Clone Wars, fought, did I .” Master Gregory’s official title is “Spook.” I’m uncomfortable with that word. In fact, there’s a bunch of labels I’m not wild about in Seventh Son. The huge troll-like creature popping out of the ground — a “boggart.” Really? What did you do? Fall asleep to Harry Potter while writing the screenplay? Get this – the villainess is “Mother Malkin” (Julianne Moore). Are you kidding me? Didn’t she run the Bangers ‘n’ Mash in Hogswimple or something?
Fine, I’ll get on with it – Mother Malkin is part dragon, part deadly bitch. And she has an axe to grind with Gregory after being locked up for a decade. Naturally, she burns up his assistant and then runs off. So, Greg needs a new corpse-in-training to go after her. This is where Seventh Son Tom Ward (Ben Barnes) comes in as medieval Luke Skywalker. Barnes had more charisma as Prince Caspian in two awful Narnia movies, and he compensates here by being forgettable. It doesn’t take much for dad to sell him to Greg. Um, thanks dad. That bugged me a bit. In fact, if my father sold me off to face immediate combat against the witch who happily burned alive the last version of me … um, let’s just say I might not come home for Christmas next year, ok?
The Seventh Son of a Seventh Son is, rumor has it, n
aturally powerful. What this power is and how it is wielded was not part of the movie I watched. Basically, Greg collects Tom and says we’re going witch hunting. “How about some training?” Tom protests. “No time!” Yells Master Greg. “I’m going to bed. Touch nothing.” Really. Nothing. Not even some common sense advice like, “when in doubt, run.”
Why Jeff Bridges continually treats the mentor role as if it’s important to speak all dialogue with marbles in your mouth is beyond me.
It was nice to get a reunion of Jeff Bridges and Julianne Moore if for no other reason than I was reminded of a much better film. Of course, their adult interaction this time around was not nearly as pleasant. Seventh Son is better than many of its kin, like Eragon and Season of the Witch. And the poverty rate in Arkansas is better than that in both in Mississippi and Alabama.
♪As seventh son of seventh son of a wanker
I got sold to this ancient Dude
Ain’t got no training or weapons
I’m gonna end up dragon food
As a farmer of farms never taking up arms
I’ve no idea what’s going on
But I have to go along with this shit
Just as has to be in each Tron♫
Rated PG-13, 102 Minutes
D: Sergey Bodrov
W: Charles Leavitt and Steven Knight
Genre: Sword ‘n’ Sorcery ‘n’ Plagiarism
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Anybody willing to defend Bridges for The Mirror Has Two Chins
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody tired of The Bridges Mumble
♪ Parody inspired by “Son of a Son of a Sailor”
