Whizzing lights! Astral magnificence! Laser battles! Hover shoes! Sure, this film has nothing to say, but it sure is pretty. The production values are excellent in Jupiter Ascending, which is probably why they substituted the same for any sort of character development. Almost every cast member here is introduced with a riddle of sorts and then “cool” action happens, which would be ideal if I knew or cared what was going on.
Jupiter Ascending is a classic “Too Big for Your Britches” film. I’ve been impressed with the recent careers of Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum, but, let’s be honest, I’ve been impressed because my bar has been set awfully low in both your cases. “Hey, Channing has a sense of humor!” “Hey, Mila understands hitting a mark!” Now you’re asking the pair to carry one of those wall-to-wall sci-fi exposition-challenged capers and everything these two don’t do on film, every way in which they fail to capture an audience, is front and center. Wow, is Mila one-dimensional. Wow, is Channing bland.
Jupiter Jones (Kunis) is a Russian immigrant who cleans toilets for a living. It turns out she is actually Queen of Earth or owns Earth in some outer space medieval real estate swindle, but it was not easy to follow. Apparently, she shares the same DNA as the queen of 14 millennia past, hence, that makes her queen (?!?). If that doesn’t make sense to you, join the club. Adding to her troubles are a pair of galactic Oedipal princes Balem Abrasax (Eddie Redmayne) and Titus A
brasax (Douglas Booth). Mila reminds them of mom, awwwww and ewwwww. There’s a whole lot of playing God among these two … that is when they aren’t gaming New Mom. I’m not sure exactly where I stopped caring about this film, but it might have been following Redmayne’s intro.
Boy, you say something nice about a guy – Eddie Redmayne, fresh from what I assume will be an Oscar performance, is so awful here (and when I say awful, I mean, he’s somehow channeled the Nicolas Cage peace/rage dichotomy, except Eddie is pretty lousy at it) that I have immediately thrust him into my Hilary Swank category of actors: ones capable of an Oscar performance, and yet, don’t ask me to spend a nickel on his/her art because I’m not going to enjoy it.
Channing Tatum eventually shows up in Vulcan ears, a goatee and a cabaret amount of eye makeup. He’s supposed to be half-wolf, but why that means he has the eyelids of a tropical fish seems suspect. In lieu of character or plot development, most of this film is essentially Mila whining about something and Channing soaring around
on his magical Air Jordans while big laser cannons fail to hit him, again and again and again. It would seem aliens shoot about as well as Bond villains. Love how some things are, literally, universal.
Jupiter Rising is just a step away from some of the worst fantasy/sci-fi films ever made – films like The Spirit and The Adventures of Pluto Nash, films so shrouded in their protective cloak of tauntaun intestines they haven’t figured out their product is completely without merit. If this film survives the bottom 10 by year end, it means 2015 was the worst year in film this young century.
A sci-fi tale of DNA persuasion
How does Mila fit into this equation?
Laser blast fun
But when all is done
Ascending didn’t rise to the occasion
Rated PG-13, 127 Minutes
D: Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
W: Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski
Genre: Spacecrap
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Mars Blackmon? Pluto Nash? Mercury Rising?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who don’t even think Channing Tatum is worth it when he’s trying.
