Why can’t we ever imagine a vampire with a sense of humor? Seriously? Nosferatu? Angel? Edward Cullen? The closest we ever come to fun vampires are Count Chocula and that Sesame Street puppet. Look, Twilight groupies, I want you to think very carefully on this one – would you really want to spend eternity with Edward Cullen? I’m not saying this out of jealousy. Sure, I could be. Who couldn’t? I say this out of curiosity. Hundreds upon hundreds of years with a guy who hasn’t a sense of humor. How fun is that? A vampire’s accumulated encyclopedic knowledge of the ages never seems to include a comedy routine or two. Lighten up, fellas.
This is a lousy time to be a vampire. The blood is all tainted. Everybody is on something. Everybody has access. Going to the source is the worst thing you can do; it’s like quenching your human thirst with ocean water. Vamps have to get friendly with labs these days. Suddenly I’m slightly disgusted by the volume of blood I’ve donated – how many vampires have I kept alive? Hmmmm.
I’m stalling because Only Lovers Left Alive is interested in describing vampires and little more. The main couple is Adam (Tom Hiddleston) and Eve (Tilda Swinton) and my are they fun. Jim Jarmusch‘s direction makes it clear we are supposed to be a tad shocked and awed when we discover the “truth” that Adam and Eve are vampires, but he’s not fooling anyone. Darn English folk already look like vampires. And, talented as they are, Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston naturally blend into an all-cumulus setting. Anyway, Adam and Eve here already have very middle-aged habits. They’re quiet, reserved, and intellectual. They live alone. They play alone. They have few friends and fewer activities. Do we need an intervention here? 
Should there be and old-folks home for vampires so maybe they can socialize a little? Adam is a musician; his introversion is masked behind a curtain of punk rock hair. He wants to create but only for himself. He lives away from society, happily avoiding places where “zombies” are likely to be. The few folks who have been hipped to his celebrity cause him pain. Don’t ask to use his bathroom; he gets very touchy.
Eve is in Tangiers. Lots of sunlight, few pale white people, few English speakers, patriarchy (or something very close) – why, yes, this seems an ideal place for a female vampire to live. Perhaps she just enjoys the company of fellow vamp Kit Marlowe (John Hurt), yes that Kit Marlowe. And we’re rewriting history here, too. Not only did this Marlowe not die; he’s also Shakespeare. Good for him.
The plot here is the reconnection of Adam and Eve. In Act II, we finally get them together in their personal Garden of Eden, Detroit. Adam likes Detroit’s future (need to put you in touch with the Robocop people); when global warming takes full effect, Detroit will be a haven. No, I don’t believe that, either, but I was moved with how erudite these vamps are. Eve gets on a plane (“have you got a flight that starts at night and ends at night?”) with a suitcase full of books. She speedreads in about a dozen different languages. Again, the details here are important because there’s very little going on in the way of story. Only Lovers Left Alive seems less plot-driven and more like a justification of life: “See? We’re good vampires. We can play nice. We have almost no interest in eating humans most of the time.”
This film is like watching a series of random museum displays hosted by stuffy intellectuals trying to pass as hipsters. Unfortunately, their volume of knowledge is a dead giveaway: “This is what we wore a century ago.” “This is a music instrument from 1905” “This particular species of mushroom does not thrive in this climate” And, of course, don’t lose the 60s – the coma-induced blood drinking ecstasy is straight out of Oliver Stone‘s The Doors. I kinda wish I felt that way about any food – “wow, this Nutter Butter is sooooooooo good, I’m just gonna lay back and spin around for an hour.” Maybe this film is better when you’re high.
Vamps know stuff
They’re lives are tough
Their manner gruff
Personalities rough
You want to play?
Don’t call that bluff
Rated R, 123 Minutes
D: Jim Jarmusch
W: Jim Jarmusch
Genre: Understanding vampires
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Vampires
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Teens
editors note: the opening paragraph was written before I knew What We Do in the Shadows existed.
