I’d like to rate The Boy Next Door lower, but it’s pointless to do so. Rating below one star indicates a true failed attempt at art – one where the director, producer and cast all identified their collective vision and proceeded to fail in the attempt to bring this vision into the realm of either entertainment or human relevance. Often these films will have a very biased point of view, or are written and directed by Tyler Perry.
Here, there is no such attempt. Nobody involved with The Boy Next Door could possibly have imagined that art, a point of view, or a statement of any kind was being made. There is nothing here that would suggest any mind behind the production ever said or even imagined, “we’ve got a winner.” Am I wrong here? What do you think about a plot where the hot teen scores with mom next door and then goes psycho? Whaddaya say? “Lolita II?” “Hunky Harold and Hot Maude?” I bet this Harold had quite the Purple Crayon, ifyouknowwhatI’msayin’. Great, now you’ve made me tarnish a children’s book. Are you happy now?
Mom/high school teacher Jennifer Lopez discovers Noah (Ryan Guzman) has become The Boy Next Door. As he is young, chiseled and has presented himself in front of JLo’s crib, one would imagine he’s auditioning for “American Idol.” Not so. Apparently, he has his own private audition in mind.
Noah skillfully captures JLo’s attention by name dropping “the classics.” [Note: Harold and the Purple Crayon not among said] Oh, snap! JLo teaches the classics. What were the odds? The specific classic mentioned is Homer’s Iliad. Ryan has impressed her by, I dunno, translating it from the original ancient Greek. (A guy will do anything to get in a gal’s pants, huh?) I’m not wild about the choice of book; it kinda feels like Barbara Curry was writing this thing and said aloud, “I need the name of a classic author. Anybody?”
“Homer!”
“Shakespeare!”
“Dickens!”
“Homer it is.”
“Wait. Don’t you think something from Shakespeare is a little more relevant for the subject matter?”
“Sorry, I heard ‘Homer’ first; that where we’re goin’. “
Ok, we have the bad premise. Before we get to the ridiculous turn of events (Ryan homicidal madness), we have to exonerate JLo from all responsibility – estranged husband Gerrett (John Corbett) is a cheat
er, so he has this coming. And JLo just had a really bad blind date – the guy insulted the classics and JLo walked out. Some thick skin you got there, babe. And as a result, she gets to drinking and Ryan calls her up asking for cooking help … you see this, don’t you? It is wrong for JLo to have sex with a peer of her son. And it’s wrong for her to cheat. So … let’s get her off the hook. God forbid she actually wants this and lets her passion get ahead of her good sense. Noooooo, can’t have that; we might think less of her.
Doesn’t really matter. This isn’t a movie; it’s more like some sort of giant test panel screening to see if Jennifer Lopez is still hot. I picture a very insecure leading lady aggressively quizzing:
“I’ve still got it, right? I’m still hot, right? … How about my ass? I’ve worked on it, can you tell? How much do you think I’ve worked on it? … Couldn’t a kid still fall for me? Like, so hard he could go mental?…”
“Yes, Ms. Lopez. Yes, Ms. Lopez. Great, Ms. Lopez. I can, Ms. Lopez. A lot, Ms. Lopez. Yes, Ms. Lopez. Yes, Ms. Lopez.”
Yeah, feel free to don more Victoria’s Secret clothing, Ms. Lopez. You’ve still got it. Maybe it will help us forget the plot … and wherever your career has gone.
♪I had a crush on the mom next door
This here cougar’s gonna make me roar
Hope it’s not too late to call her phone
Through binox, I know she’s alone
And I wanna hit that like Affleck did
And then I’m gonna go and flip my lid
Cuz this movie sucks
Yeah, this movie sucks♫
Rated R, 91 Minutes
D: Rob Cohen
W: Barbara Curry
Genre: JLo, still hot?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Jennifer Lopez
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Viewers
♪ Parody inspired by “The Boy Next Door”
