I sense Boomers have an inferiority complex. I’m not sure how else to conclude the idea that Hollywood men over fifty can only be alphas so long as they can bring the pain. Ever since Taken, baby Boomers have tried to revisit Taken again and again and again – Liam Neeson himself has made seven more versions of this film already – but when Neeson isn’t available, the vacuum gets filled with all sorts of ancient pasty alternatives like Kevin Costner, Pierce Brosnan and now Sean Penn. Bottom line – you gotta look at all times like 1) you need a nap, but 2) you could kick the nap’s ass. Solving problems in a manner befitting your age? Get the Hell out of here. I want to see Geritol in the morning, cage match in the afternoon. Give them Boomers a reason to get out of the house.
So that lovable scamp Sean Penn is in the Congo and he’s brought some of his crazy pals with him to help with local mining interests. And by “help,” I mean these jerks kill people for business reasons. After Terrier (Penn) gets pegged for a political assassination, he has to flee the continent and maybe the planet for a while without any forwarding information; in turn, he leaves his main squeeze (Jasmine Trinca) to the care of Javier Bardem. Oooo, that’s gotta hurt. Not qualifying who; I just know it’s gotta hurt.
FF eight years, and Penn is surfing off the coast of Congo. Three rather irrelevant notes: 1) Personally, I thought Congo was a land-locked country. Looking it up, I can be forgiven for this – Congo is roughly the size of Montana and borders as much of the Atlantic as Georgia does. 2) This is a nice tribute to Fast Times. I can’t imagine any other reason why this scene exists. It doesn’t really fit with the film or Penn’s character. 3) Penn has chosen very casual dress for the entirety of the film, including at least a half-dozen bare torso shots. This is a good move; Penn is in pretty good shape for his age, and anything which takes focus away from his face is a quality move. Above the shoulders, Sean Penn looks like a faded saddle bag.
The Congo return is Terrier’s penance. He’s building wells to atone for his eternal sins. This lasts exactly as long as one day of movie time, because later that afternoon three local goons come gunnin’ for Spicoli. It’s possible they wanted a little blood on his time. Doesn’t that make it blood on our time? Long story short, Penn has to figure out who’s trying to kill him. We all know why. He also has to overcome a 
dizzying brain condition exacerbated by intense action. This condition is conveniently forgotten during an Act II shootout at Bardem’s Spanish love villa, but returns at Barcelona Sea World for Act III.
This isn’t a great film. It felt especially derivative of 3 Days to Kill, where Costner runs around shooting Europeans while reuniting with an estranged daughter and combatting fatal cancer and fatal script flaws. I don’t know what possessed Javier Bardem to bring a new personality to every scene, but I get the feeling this is something he does. He’s kinda like the weather in Boston – don’t like him? Wait five minutes. And while The Gunman wasn’t terrible, it certainly wasn’t terrific by any stretch. Want a better slightly different fogey-kicking–ass tale? Wait five minutes.
Spicoli’s salad days were morally wrongo
Those ghosts won’t escape him for very longo
Whatchagonnado?
Hey, grab a bew
And relive some Fast Times in the Congo
Rated R, 115 Minutes
D: Pierre Morel
W: Pete Travis
Genre: ReTaken, UnTaken, MisTaken, whatever. AARP White guy beating up dudes
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: AARP
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The kids
