You know Caddyshack wasn’t that good, right? It is an American classic not because the film itself has a great deal of merit, but because it had lines you’ll repeat for decades afterwards. That’s it. It has a permanent place in the guy HOF for all guys, even those who cannot name a single caddy in the film. In that proud tradition of the parts being greater than the sum, please to enjoy A Million Ways to Die in the West, a funny crappy guy film about a man about as 1880s Western as Lady Gaga.
I was more than a tad surprised at how slowly A Million Ways to Die in the West moves compared to the preview which looks like non-stop fun. Sure, we get the gag of writer/director/proctologist Seth MacFarlane suggesting fellatio through shadow play fun with his first showdown opponent, but then parlays the duel into a level-headed acquiescence … uneventful level-headed acquiescence. His non-violent submission is portrayed as cowardice. Then he spends t
he next 15 minutes talking about how much the Wild West sucks until he loses his girl (Amanda Seyfried). Gotta say, the humor threshold for dealing with a sniveling coward as my hero? Pretty high.
Fortunately, Seth need not be a classic hero for the film to succeed. A Million Ways may not be much between jokes, but there are more than few, some new (e.g. “you shouldn’t drink and horse”) and some old (translating Native American speech as names we know. In the very least, I’d never heard somebody pronounce “Mila Kunis” before.) There’s a running gag about people dying in unpleasant ways (giant ice block, coyotes, flash photography, etc.), Albert (MacFarlane) complains that at this point in space and time, everything here that isn’t you wants to kill you. And, as per the title, when Seth connects with the wife (Charlize Theron) of the badass (Liam Neeson), we’re sure he’ll buy it, too. Or he would were his name not all over the credits.
A Million Ways is really all about the gags. My favorite was either the dream where Amanda’s eyes are as big as hubcaps or the off color shooting gallery at the fair – much more for the tastelessness and audacity than the actual humor involved. Whenever the movie bothered trying to be one, I kept wondering what Seth MacFarlane was doing in 1880s Arizona, how could he still be alive, how much of a dick is Liam Neeson that Chalize Theron would turn in that direction and how the 
Hell are everybody’s teeth so white? C’mon, that’s just not right.
Hollywood has gone to great pains to rewrite the Western. Once Clint Eastwood stopped making them, there seemed a lull. Every few years, somebody would try with mixed results – the remake of 3:10 to Yuma was quite good, but Appaloosa just made me want to punch Renée Zellweger’s beet-red face repeatedly. Lately, however, it’s all about pretending everything you knew was wrong – the Wild West was about Sci-fi & humor. Of course, Cowboys & Aliens, Rango & The Lone Ranger all suggest the results are still mixed.
Bad guys/good guys lookin’ for fights
Absolutely no concept of your Civil Rights
Best of luck getting to sleep at nights
The American West seriously bites
Rated R, 116 Minutes
D: Seth MacFarlane
W: Seth MacFarlane, Alec Sulkin & Wellesley Wild
Genre: Stand-up comedy in movie form
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The Seth MacFarlane army
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of Eastwood-type Westerns
