Caeser is an angry ape. He scowls. Actually scowls. Often. I wouldn’t guess this makes you an effective leader and/or father, of which he is both. Does Andy Serkis scowl when he’s acting in that green suit? How does that work? How much wear do you suppose Andy Serkis’ green CGI conversion suit has in it? I imagine him taking in down to the dry cleaners – “The usual, Andy?” “Yeah. Make sure to work the pits and do watch the censor bulbs; one busted last time I used this place.” Nobody has gotten quite the mileage out of a green screen suit like Andy.
Oh yeah, Caesar. And Armageddon. The future still sucks, people. When will we learn?! Now, in between the last Ape film and this one, humans ate themselves. I think the producers took a good look at Rise of the Planet of the Apes and realized what everyone at least as smart as Dr. James Franco realized – ummmm, a zooful of chimps ain’t gonna dominate several billion humans by force. It makes no sense. So they cheated. The virus that made the apes smart also killed off 99% of humans. And now, check it out: the apes have Marin; the humans hold San Francisco. Draw the line at the Golden Gate Bridge.
As a local, I love to see future San Francisco, even all squalid and unkempt. Weeds growing on the bridge … now there’s a neat trick. Must be due to all that soil underneath. But I’m getting away from the tale — Caesar and his li’l simian pals live happily on their Animal Farm giving to the collective and taking, each ape as according to his needs. (Clearly, Matt Reeves has a horror film in mind.) In the opening hunt, Caesar’s son gets carved by a bear as a reward for not listening to dad. Even semi-benevolent dictatorial primates named after iron-fisted emperors have trouble with their teenagers, am I right? Next forest expedition, however, nervous humans spill ape blood. Uh oh. This film ain’t about docile, pacificist circus chimps.
Gotta say, the sight of apes storming down future California Street to confront the humans — several, including a full-overgrown orangutan, on horseback — is awesome. I mean, if you’re among, say, 200 humans left alive in the Bay Area and you see an army of full grown intelligent chimpanzees — and not just men in bad Halloween costumes, 
mind you, full grown chimpanzees — march down the street in search of respect, that might just make you a bit nervous, no? Not yet? Well, wait until the leader, on horseback, barks perfectly intelligible English orders at you.
Caesar is angry, yes, yet he’s also insightful. War means blood on both sides. He draws his figurative line in the figurative sand and lets it go at that. You’ve been warned, humankind. Don’t come back.
So, what do you do when you have to invent conflict? Exploit contemporary crisis, of course. Scientist Malcolm (Jason Clarke) knows the only way to power the San Francisco night life (but I ask you — if The Castro has been destroyed, what’s the point of a night life in San Francisco, anway?) is through a dam in the Marin woods. The magic of movies, all movies, to me can be summed up in one observation — I found it more unbelievable that the only possible source of electric power is a dam in Muir Woods than the fact that great apes have mastered speaking, reading and writing English.
I didn’t like Dawn of the Planet of the Apes so much as appreciate it. The film is a clinic on distinguishing indistinguishable characters. Are you taking notes, war films? Because Black Hawk Down won’t get more than two stars from me until I figure out who’s who. Dawn presented an entire tribe of distinguishable chimps. (Woohoo, I got one. Answers tells me a group of chimps is called a “troupe, barrel, carload or tribe.” Score me.) Anyway, get yourself a carload of chimps and see if you can tell ’em apart. Dawn made it clear at all times whom was whom. Find something better to do than big, fat species on species violence and, hey, you might even get three stars from me.
♪Dawwwwwwwn
Civilization has turned crude
Oh, Dawn
Go away, I’m not primate food
Hang out,
Hang out with dudes
Think
About adversity
Think
About chimpan’s decree
Now think of the future simianematography♫
Rated PG-13, 130 Minutes
D: Matt Reeves
W: Mark Bomback, Rick Jaffe & Amanda Silver
Genre: The ironic revenge of creationists
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Zoo apes
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Their handlers
♪ Parody inspired by “Dawn”
