So here’s what I figure – the producers studied the popularity of the original Magic Mike and decided the plot was a downer. This problem was solved when the script for Magic Mike XXL failed to include any plot at all. Then somebody noticed these guys were strippers and their audience enjoyed that, so the producers then went ahead and stripped them of all masculine personality traits. Finally, after an executive decision not to show a single dong in an R rated film about men who get paid to take their clothes off, they were ready to roll.
The titular Mike (Channing Tatum) opens the film without the girl he collected in the first film. XXL also loses playas Matthew McConaughey and Alex Pettyfer, all three figures gone with minimal explanation and sore feelings — always a classy move for a sequel, no? Magic here finds Mike’s small business failing (I’ve never seen a film that wanted to feed on and crap on its predecessor at the same time to quite this extent, have you?) and, hence, decides now is a great time to indulge that dormant strippin’ bug inside of him. So after a private drafting table dance in his basement, he hits the road in a taco truck with the most sensitive male entertainers in the biz for Shlongicon, 2015.
Just how sensitive are Tarzan (Kevin Nash), Ken (Matt Bomer), Tito (Adam Rodriguez) and Big Dick Ritchie (Joe Manganiello) (oh, and Gabriel Iglesias, but he doesn’t dance for money – discrimination!)? First, they col
lectively get upset that Mike is into his phone conducting business, then they talk about feelings, and then they encourage BDR to get his groove back by sexually harassing a hapless 7-11 worker. And when I say “encourage,” they are, in unison, at the mini-mart window cheering him on as if they were at a football championship.
Speaking of football champions, Michael Strahan showed up just when I was thinking this film could use a little color. In a Savannah brothel, he shows off his sack moves in an effort to get the dollarback. How did we get here? Well, Mike is a friend of Rome (Jada Pinkett Smith), who demonstrates –thoroughly– why “madam” is a rarely coveted role. Her stable also includes Donald Glover, horribly out-of-place in this “Community.”
The pulse of the audience, however, is dictated by southern divorcee Nancy (Andie MacDowell). This is you, ladies. Take a good look. Sure, she got the mansion, the estate and Bentleys to spare in the split, but the man had to go because he couldn’t be the multiple dicks she should have had in her youth. And hey, our quintet is full of nothing but poetry, song and washboard abs; what more could any belle desire?
Is this what you want in a man, really? No, no, I really want to know. The kind of guy who talks about his feelings, constantly puts you on a pedestal (the word “Queen” is offered a healthy 30 times in this film, at least two dozen by Jada Pinkett Smitt alone), is a fabulous dancer, has a great body, and sells sex for a living? This is what you want, is it? You know men like this don’t exist, right? And they certainly don’t exist in heterosexual form. But let’s assume they did. This is the fantasy you want? Sure, he isn’t educated, is about as steady as a weeble and can’t write a check to buy gum without bouncing it, but, hey, it’s your fantasy.
And this has been a great year for uplifting the depressing dreams of heterosexual women everywhere. In January, cougars were reminded The Boy Next Door is worth a go so long as he’s not psycho. Isn’t it wonderful when hunky studs desire you to the point of therapy? In February, Fifty Shades of Grey arrived and women were reminded how wonderful it is when mildly stable studs are also wealthy beyond your imagination. So what if he’s into kinky stuff? In March, 
the traditional young wealthy stud scenario was explored in Cinderella. Is that your foot in the glass slipper or is he into kinky stuff, too? In April, The Age of Adaline taught us that rich, young, handsome and hot-for-you is super even if you used to date his dad. We waited a few months for summer blockbusters, but now we’re back and we’ve dropped the rich part; now he just needs to be sensitive, athletic and super-super-hunky. And what profession lends itself better to altruism than one in which the object is to be covered in dollar bills?
I digress; whether I liked Magic Mike XXL is inconsequential. This film isn’t for me. Will you like it? Well, this version feels much more like a one-on-one engagement than the first, which felt more like a show. Despite the lack of screen genitalia (which is an absolute crime given the “XXL” qualifier – come on, people, what is that tag for if not for “show and tell” purposes?), the random sexual intimacy is much more personal in this film. Again, I wonder, “but what if Tarzan isn’t your type? Do you really want to be on stage for THAT?” I mean that must happen, right? No woman I’ve ever met would screw every.single.cast.member, bar none. And, oh yeah, about that? Ain’t no cast member, man or woman, celebrating his/her particular role here. I’ll leave it at that. (Who? Tell me what straight male on this planet would actively root for his friend to do a sexual striptease for a stranger in a convenience store? Good ahead, point that guy out.) And the lack of plot? Just get to your overhyped strip show conclusion already.
No, I can’t recommend this one, either, even if you dig the dog, or should I call it the shadow-spying-groundhog.
Perv corner: zero (0) dicks. I’m not kidding. And you’ll get a bigger kick out of Patrick Warburton’s Tick suit in Ted 2 if that’s all you’re looking for. Plenty of washboard abs, yes. A few gold lame hotpants for afar. One (1) naked ass. Couldn’t tell who. This film is much more about the intimacy of the act of stripping/sexy dancing than the actual stripping itself.
♪Oh, ho, ho
He’s Magic you know
He can put on quite a show
He’s Magic, you know
Even if he has no dough
Never been awake
Through the film break
Leaning on my armrest in the last row
Lazy day in chair
Screenplay has no flair
When does this film switch from tell to show?
Then there’s Channing
Blandness he does bring
Ok, he can dance or can his double
Hinting constantly
At a better movie
Doubt it will emerge from this rubble
Oh, ho, ho
He’s Magic, you know
This career almost surely will grow
He’s Magic, you know
Elated to rise to so-so♫
Rated R, 115 Minutes
D: Gregory Jacobs
W: Reid Jacobs
Genre: Cheap fantasy
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Women who love male strip shows, but don’t need to see the goods
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Movie fans
♪ Parody inspired by “Magic”
