Is there some sort of formula Pierce Brosnan uses to be adored without being remembered? I not only can’t remember much of what happened in The November Man; I’m having trouble recalling a single distinctive historical Brosnan moment, period. I suppose he gets nailed with lime or something by Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire – that doesn’t really count. I find him the most forgettable Bond in history. I must have seen three seasons of “Remington Steele” but couldn’t recall on demand a single action or moment of dialogue. And yet in my head, Pierce Brosnan is still the epitome of smooth, the very personification of debonair. This is a gift, isn’t it?
All right, let’s see what I can recall of November Man – well, a bad plot for one. Piecing it together (Piercing it together?) at the end will serve you no good. Devereaux (Brosnan) is a retired CIA agent. His non-distinct protégé Mason (Luke Bracey) fastforwards the retirement via flashback. Doncha just hate flashback fastforwarding? The ever popular cliché of the detached assassin deliberately avoiding all human connection is solidly in place; first, Devereaux instructs Mason not to get close and then has to retire when he realizes emotions are coming. Five years later, without a trace of companionship, he has to be strongly coerced to come back to the party. The ice-water veined assassin cliché is, of course, only a hint at the true cliché – the detached assassin who really does have a heart as we discover in Act II. Who wrote this?
So check this out: Devereaux is in Russia to protect an asset on behalf of the CIA when the asset is promptly assassinated by Mason … on behalf of the CIA. I honestly don’t doubt this happens in real life, but it makes a 
piss-poor movie plot. One phone call, fellas. One call is all it takes. And again, when you piece it back together, you’ll actually understand less of the motivations than you did before. A weak game of cat-and-mouse, well cat-and-stronger-younger-stupider-cat, ensues between Devereaux and Mason. This is cleverly and correctly overridden by the introduction of Alice (Olga Kurylenko) as the Slavic MacGuffin. And do try the Slavic MacGuffin with O.J. and home fries at your next visit.
I’m never going to be cool with movie moments like the one where the trained killer posing as a waitress is foiled by Devereaux calling Alice’s cell. Why did the killer come in disguise? Why did the killer wait? Why did Alice take the word of the man on the phone? Why did she run away with the man on the phone? Why did Devereaux then taunt Mason? Ugh, why am I watching this film? Why are you reading this review? Stop.
♪He’s a real Nov’ber Man
‘Yes, that’s right,” I deadpan
Pretending like we know what that means
Doesn’t know who pulls his strings
Needs some time to figure things
Man, does his hair look great or what?
Nov’ber Man, the master
This here plot’s a disaster
Nov’ber Man, you were better a retiree♫
Rated R, 108 Minutes
D: Roger Donaldson
W: Michael Finch & Karl Gajdusek
Genre: Liam Neeson wasn’t available
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The continued believers in the relevance of Pierce Brosnan
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: True spy enthusiasts
♪ Parody inspired by “Nowhere Man”
