I’ve decided the appeal of vampires comes down to self-assurance. I mean, let’s face it – does anyone really want to drink blood or never see daylight? Of course not. Even the folks on “Dontown Abbey” get to go outside sometimes; I’ve seen it. No, I think people are attracted to the idea that vampires always know exactly what they want. How could you not envy that? It’s why adults sugar coat childhood – oh, sure, I hated school and being short and never getting to have adult fun, but I knew what I wanted and when I got it was the best day ever! Kids don’t worry about self-assurance until they take on adult values. When that happens, it’s a sad, sad day.
Speaking of self-assured, this feature-length directorial debut and 100% confident experience created by writer/director Ana Lily Amirpour is the damnedest thing I’ve seen in a while. I feel like I’ve said that a lot lately, but this time it’s really true. It’s a vampire film … in Iran. And not a Dracula, Blade or a Twilight vampire film, much more like a Nosferatu black & white study in loneliness, existentialism and skulking.
When you ask an Iranian vampire what the last song she heard was, you don’t expect to hear “Hello” by Lionel Richie. Well, I sure didn’t, at least.
Bad City, yes “Bad City,” don’t look at me — I didn’t name it, is something of a ghost town. Most of the action in this film is A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night. It’s dark and deliberately empty. She’s not always alone. Not sure I met more than six people in this film and they’re all being stalked by The Girl (Sheila Vand). The stalking is the best part; it’s not threatening so much as unnerving – she matches pace and movement. She doesn’t race, but cuts off angles, silently and confrontationally. A drunk looks at her mirror him from across the street and becomes so confused he runs away … and she lets him. It’s as if the stalk is simply part of her being rather than prelude to murder.
Lest we forget, this is Iran; this vampire isn’t quite in burqa, more like a hajib or khimar. Yes, I looked all these things up. And, I’m sorry, Iran and followers of Islam – there is something naturally eerie and almost sinister about the burqa look. Not to mention that Sinister Burqa is my favorite punk speed band. When you are followed by an amorphous figure in black, well, that’s often gonna make you want to move faster.
The hero is Arash (Arash Marandi). He’s penniless and his dad is a junkie. Early on, Pimp Saeed (Dominic Rains) takes his car as payment. 
Out of options, Arash goes to Saeed’s flat only to find The Girl has already been there. She claimed Saeed’s body and in the wake, Arash claims his life. Just like that, the two are connected. We’ve already seen dating a vampire on film, of course. Funny thing here is while the Twilight idiocy is somber, brooding and 0% substance, Arash and The Girl have a relationship that is somber, brooding and 100% substance. I wish Ana Lily Amirpour had written Twilight.
A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night is a slooooooow film. Moments include a man taking three minutes to turn around and a drug abuser repeatedly accusing a cat of being his late wife. There’s a lot of shadow play here and I often thought I was watching a dream sequence only to realize nobody fell asleep. Well, I sure didn’t at least.
♪I’ve never seen you in my life before tonight,
I’ve never seen you in the light,
I’ve never seen so few folks out a walk,
They’re not interested in a talk, given that you stalk,
And I have never seen that shawl you’re wearing,
Except on every single woman in Iran,
Are you all vamps?
The lady in black is following me
Street to street
There’s nobody here, it’s just you and me,
Nowhere I want to be,
But I hardly know why she comes up by my side,
I’ll never forget the way you crept tonight♫
Unrated, 101 Minutes
D: Ana Lily Amirpour
W: Ana Lily Amirpour
Genre: Oh good luck pigeon-holing this thing
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Misunderstood Iranian vampires
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The impatient
♪ Parody inspired by “The Lady in Red”
