Important safety tip: when you’re traveling across hostile borders by train late at night, try not to fall asleep thus allowing your adorable mute 6-year-old child to depart the vehicle in order to rescue a struggling baby goat. I know we’ve over this one before. Seriously, people, keep your lovable baby goats away from the sinkholes on borders near train tracks.
And that is how Shahida’s excellent adventure begins. Of course, after the Pakistani mountain child is lost in India, we don’t hear the name “Shahida” (Harshaali Malhotra) for at least two hours. Shaihida is mute as a button, and her communication skills could use work. Now, at this point, one wonders what is up with the communication between India and Pakistan – just because you guys act like six-year-olds to one another doesn’t mean you have to communicate like mute six-year-olds. In the age of the internet, no non-abducted child should ever go missing in an urban area for more than a day.
With acceptable communication, however, this film is ten minutes long, and not terribly adorable. Come daylight, Shahida stumbles upon a Bollywood number. Pawan (Salman Khan) is singing about his faith and 500 of his best friends have decided to join in. Taking a break from the spiritual revue, he makes the mistake of taking pity on the lone child and feeds her. And, thus, these two will be attached for the rest of the film. Nobody on the bus guesses that the fair-skinned child is Pakistani so the riders play the “yell out random Indian cities for no reason” game. When that grows old, Pawan tells his own story, the highlight being when it took him over a decade to graduate high school. The flashback shows him presenting the exam results to his father and, subsequently, his father literally dying of shock. On the screen, this comes off as both comic and tragic, but my current reaction is, “what an asshole.” Can you imagine your parent having so little faith in you that he/she literally has a heart attack and dies when you do something positive? Wouldn’t you feel a fair amount of parental guilt and responsibility before said point?
Pawan dubs the child “Munni,” I can only guess because he wants her to be in rap video or something and sets about finding her family. Munni gives a few clues as to her identity, like when she invites herself into a chicken feast next door, bringing shock and alarm to the devout vegan caring for her. The key moment, however, comes when her Indian fam is watching Monday Night Cricket and Munni
starts rooting for Pakistan. Oh boy. That’s a no-no.
Bajrangi Bhaijaan is a tad heavy-handed, strangely enough not about Pawan’s faith, which he wears on his sleeve. I love the part where he has no problem creeping illegally into Pakistan, but his anti-lie faith tells him he may not proceed without permission, setting up a most Romero-like confrontation between he and the Pakistani police. Honestly, I wish more immigration-themed films were like Bajrangi. This would make a wonderful American remake as the quest is noble, international and universal – anybody can get behind returning a mute child to her parents. Anybody … even border guards.
♪There were places she would go at midnight
When the train was stopped I don’t know why
I don’t know why
I don’t know why
I thought, “who let her wander free?”
Who’s that girl?
Where’s she from?
She can’t talk to anyone
She is mute
Who has stolen her voice?
Eating meat, it’s not right
In a mosque, what a sight!
By the way
What’s the way to Pakistan?
Guess we’re walking the land♫
Not Rated, 163 Minutes
D: Kabir Khan
W: Vijayendra Prasad, Kabir Khan, Parveez Sheikh & Asad Hussain
Genre: Why can’t we all just get along?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who’s ever sung “♪Ebony and Ivory”
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Hawks
♪ Parody inspired by “Who’s That Girl?”
