You know, if I thought it had a chance of actually attracting Parker Posey and Emma Stone, I think I might just show up on a college campus giving the permanently depressed act a whirl. How hard could it be, really? You randomly select among non-descript clothing; you needn’t shave nor shower more than once a week or so, then you gloomily Eeyore your way about campus only looking up to change the glum expression to one that suggests whatever it is you’re looking at is such a shame. “Yeah, that bike rack could have been something *sigh*” If props are needed, simply have a withered bag containing the works of Kant, Kierkegaard and Stephenie Meyer. I’m tellin’ ya – chick magnet.
Philosophy Professor Abe (Joaquin Phoenix) comes to Braylin U. under a cloud of gossip. Where does one collect professor gossip from, anyway? Well, let’s just imagine that campus gossip breaks logical barriers and everybody at Braylin is forewarned that Abe is a wild spirit and a womanizer despite the fact that he appears 24/7 as if his dog died. And, of course, what is hotter than a clinically depressed out-of-shape fortysomething drifter? I suppose in the world of Woody Allen, any man is a potential ladykiller and fellow prof Rita (Posey) and student Jill (Emma) both cannot wait to ideally transcend his categorical imperative ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo.
Wait a sec. I don’t even know what I mean.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Jumpin’ the depressed Philosophy Prof. Parkey imPoseys herself first, being of similar age and having access to the good stuff (not a keg). But Emma is gonna win, we know that. I mean, heck, if you can conquer Colin Firth as she did in the last Woody Allen, Joaquin Phoenix should be child’s play, no? Did I mention both of these women happily sacrificed significant others to the Leviathan in order to sleep with Abe? That ain’t right.
Just when this film got tired of its unreasonable love triangle, something interesting happens – Abe and Jill eavesdrop on a conversation about a woman losing her children in a lopsided court battle. Sympathizing with her plight, Abe decides he needs to off the judge and suddenly a depressed man becomes an Irrational Man. And the change takes 
physical, mental and spiritual form – with a renewed purpose, Abe is rejuvenated and revitalized at the mere idea of snuffing another life out. Now there’s a depressing thought.
Woody Allen has travelled these roads before. On the Allen philosophical scale, Irrational Man lies somewhere between Match Point and Crimes and Misdemeanors without hitting the highlights of either comparison. I found the film ultimately empty and kinda depressing. Hey, just in time; I’m going to UC Berkeley this weekend.
♪Nietzsche, Dave Hume
Gonna read some back in my room
Gym shoes, untied
Maybe thinkin’ ‘bout a suicide
They come runnin’ just as fast as they can
‘Cause every girl crazy ’bout a dark stressed man♫
Rated R, 95 Minutes
D: Woody Allen
W: Woody Allen
Genre: Love and death
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Irrational Men
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Coeds
♪ Parody inspired by “Sharp Dressed Man”
