I have come to the conclusion that demons really enjoy sanitariums. Maybe it’s the great food, the white coats, the padded walls … who knows? But it’s pretty clear that demons love this stuff ‘cause the first thing a possessed person does is announce as clearly as possible, “I’m possessed,” in as graphic detail as is available. Look at the evidence here – as soon as the newly possessed Angela (Olivia Taylor Dudley) recovers consciousness at the hospital, she makes a cop stick broken lightbulbs in his brain and then goes to the newborn wing for some baby sacrificin’ – all while being closely monitored. These can’t possibly be the actions of a creature who doesn’t want to end up in the psych ward, am I right?
It’s hard to feel cheated by exorcism films – the offer so little and ask less, but, admittedly, I want to see a better avenue for demonic intervention. Angela is having a birthday party, which is really just an excuse to introduce a worthless rivalry between her father (Dougray Scott) and her boyfriend (John Patrick Amedori). Next thing you know, she cuts her hand while slicing cake – and then bleeds all over the cake! Geez, thanks, woman. Now nobody gets to eat it. Next thing, she’s possessed; demon entered via cake-knife thruway. Wha … ?
That’s right – no pentagrams, no upside-down crosses, no chanting, demon simply took control from a cake wound. Really? You couldn’t at least make up something stupid – “I ordered from Li’l Beelzebub Pizza and it didn’t arrive in 30 minutes, so I got a demonic possession free of charge. NOW BURN IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL … while I finish my pepperoni.”
The premise here is that all of the closed camera footage of Angela in psych ward and hospital has been sent to the head demonbusters via papal envoy – hence, The Vatican Tapes. Were I Catholic, I’d be offended.
After Angela’s nursery room sojourn, she’s sent to have funny things happen at the funny farm. And they do, sorta. Angela doesn’t play well
with others … or at all, but she becomes a wall whisperer and the folks on the other side obey to somebody’s amusement. I say “somebody” because Angela doesn’t seem to be enjoying the chaos she’s created. Oh, and ravens show up everywhere – at the hospital room, at the psych ward, on the bus – although it’s unclear on the latter whether they mean to announce the presence of demonic possession or if they lost a subway transfer.
Michael Peña (as Father Lozano) shows up in his 17th film in the past year, which would be great if this weren’t such a phone-in role. Man, he was doing so well, too; I loved his work in Ant-Man. I even wondered if there was a future as leading man somewhere down the road. Here? This role is pathetic. This film is pathetic.
After possession with null to discuss
Angela didn’t want to create a fuss
Car in the shop
Small choice to hop
Don’t let the demon drive the bus
Rated PG-13, 91 Minutes
D: Mark Neveldine
W: Christopher Borrelli & Michael C. Martin
Genre: Who’s possessed this week?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: A very bored Satan
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The makers of the original Exorcist
