Does a bear shit in the woods? Why, yes. Clearly, he does, then puts the excrement on celluloid and distributes it to theaters. That’s the only reasonable conclusion one can reach upon finishing the Robert Redford/Nick Nolte fogiequest A Walk in the Woods.
Redford plays real life writer Bill Bryson, who only takes credit for the source material here; that was wise. The aged Bryson reflects upon the funeral of a friend by deciding he needs to walk the Appalachian Trail. His wife here (Emma Thompson) probably cursed the fact that they live so close to the trail itself. Given that real-life Bryson was quite the adventurer, it’s hard to see her putting up the protest we see in film form. But it is a shame to see such a quality actress go to waste, so Emma gets to bitch about old man Bill needing to quest once more and insists he take a partner for the 6-month/2,000+ mile journey. After a series of humor-intended rejections, Stephen Katz (Nolte) shows up and, check it, Homes, we have an old man Wild.
Except in Wild, of course, there was good reason for Cheryl to venture; she needed to find herself. Nobody needs to find Nick Nolte. Nobody. There are two fairly unforgivable loose ends with the Katz inclusion. Upon meeting Katz, we discover he’s almost certainly hypoglycemic (no disease is mentioned by name, but he “needs to eat every hour or so” for health reasons.) This is never referred to again. Never. Thousands of miles in woods and mountains away from food sources and this never comes up. Really. The other Katz coup is he’s godawful slow. The initial steps into the trail head demonstrate a Katz who travels maybe one-third the speed of Bryson. This describes their first morning and is, one again, never referred to again.
All of that cheapened an already bad film for me. To enjoy A Walk in the Woods requires one to embrace crotchety. That’s not an easy embrace, especially for folks who aren’t especially into first world problems or don’t easily sympathize with folks who can spare ½ a year out of their lives without worrying about responsibility. The embrace of crotchety also suggests the film is going to be about cheap laughs rather than meaningful dialogue. I’d happily own up to mistaken perception if I hadn’t seen Katz wooing a
plus-size woman at a laundromat – he helps her with her panties, you see. Yup, we get to see giant panties; the R-rating didn’t yield plus-size naughty bits, just the suggestion of them.
To get a good picture of A Walk in the Woods, you have to imagine the hobbits returning the One Ring to Mt. Doom … if Frodo were an old man, kinda feeble and failed.
I suppose I didn’t hate this film as much as I let on. I’ve always liked Robert Redford; it’s hard not to. Even as an old man, he tends to have a reasonable charm. I didn’t loathe A Walk in the Woods while I was watching it, but this is one of those films that seems worse every time I think about it. The journey was pointless; the resolution seemed false and the film often settled on puerile humor instead of giving a reason why this adventure was important to either man. A Walk in the Woods even wastes Nick Offerman, who is awesome in small doses. Playing an REI employee here, Nick’s segment ends with a poop joke. Seriously. A poop joke. I’m sorry, why did you bother with the R-rating again?
♪I’m walkin’, well … maybe,
I’m thinkin’ ‘bout company
I’m hopin’ that it won’t be Nick Nolte
Yeah yeah
I’m hikin’ Appalachia
I’m hidin’ hip dysplasia
I’m likin’ this bounty of jerky
What I gonna do with a rock landslide?
I’m too old to run and hide
And there’s Nick right by my side
“We’ll be safe,” well, hey I lied
I’m walkin’ through Tennessee
I’m tryin’, for Maine, you see
Be lucky if I get past this tree♫
Rated R, 104 Minutes
D: Ken Kwapis
W: Rick Kerb and Bill Holderman
Genre: The fogie shuffle
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Retirees
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The unimpressed
♪ Parody inspired by “I’m Walkin’ “
