Hitman: Agent 47

For the love of Khaaaan, humanity, would you get to the genetic engineering already? I feel like there are all sorts of taboos being feared and prophecies going to rot because we as a species still can’t figure out if we actually want to play God as badly as we act like we want to play God.

47 (Rupert Friend) — wait. Nobody’s gonna question the guy’s name is “47?” Ok, I won’t either — is the product of genetic engineering to make better assassins.  He feels neither fear, nor pain or pity … and he will not stop, until you are dead! Yeah, if that sounds a little redundant, it’s only because we’ve heard this; it was in the original Terminator. In fact, Act I of Hitman: Agent 47 is so similar to a non-time travelling version of the original Terminator, it was a bit spooky: unstoppable killer (Friend) is after a seemingly normal girl (Hannah Ware) when some nondescript shave-challenged exposition guy (Zachary Quinto) shows up insisting she must trust him and his escape plans if she values her life. Hmmmm. It sounds so familiar.

And just when I was ready to chastise the whole Terminator set-up, the film has good guy, bad guy issues. You see, we’re after her father – of course we are, we just had this two action guys after the hot girl’s science-y father plot in The Man from U.N.C.L.E. – and both men have to pose as things they aren’t to get through her. And she’s looking for him, too, even though she doesn’t know who he is, where he is, or what his relationship is to her.  My, that sounds stupid when I write it all out.

Sound confusing? Yeah, just reflect on the blessed, romantic life of the assassin: the tailored suits, the paranoia, the familiarity with quicklime, and a UPC bar code in the back of your head. What’s that for?  So you can order in bulk? Hitmen should keep blogs, no? A bet a lot more people would read a hitman’s blog than, say, mine. He could even rate the hits.

Anyway, turns out John Smith (Quinto) is engineered from a different line of hitmen and Katia (Ware) is also genetically engineered, because, well, the plot wasn’t silly enough yet. This premise sets up a few pretty good stunts and few more — “whaaaaaa…?” moments. Just because you don’t have fear doesn’t actually make you invincible; you understand that, right, movie? You can center yourself about a city block where armed assailants attack via each person’s own radius to you and you can stand proud and fire back at every one of them, in turn – you only have two hands – but that doesn’t actually make you bulletproof. You get that, right? Eight different people manage to secure grappling hooks on your vehicle, but when you get out of the car, none of these guys manages to hit you with a bullet? Ummmm … yeah. But hey, the scene looked good.

There are worse action films and worse excuses to waste a Saturday afternoon, but this movie isn’t going to make anybody’s career.

Assassins have a certain mystique
Enhanced skills can conquer the bleak
Above all that hoodoo
Guess what? Me too
I’m genetically engineered to critique

Rated R, 96 Minutes
D: Aleksander Bach
W: Skip Woods and Michael Finch
Genre: Not Terminator. Definitely not Terminator
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Hitmen, Terminators
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “I am not a number!”