I would love, just for a lark, that in one of these Godsquad spectacles every “God” or “Jesus” were replaced by “JarJar Binks” and every “Bible” were replaced by, I dunno, any of the collected works of Dr. Seuss.
“You just have to put your faith in JarJar. Hold my hand while we pray to JarJar.”
“JarJar Binks has a plan for you.”
“Here, let me share one of my favorite passages. It’s 3:5 from Hop on Pop; it’s always brought me such comfort over the years.”
Comparing prayer with World War Vietnam battle plans (sorry, which war was supposed to be taking place at the start of the film?), War Room avers confidently that all conflict resolution requires strong planning. I can’t criticize that message; it seems sound. I can’t even really criticize War Room for the belief that all personal problems can be solved with prayer. For some people, this is, indeed, true. What can I criticize it for? Prayer is not entertainment. No, it isn’t. Nobody films a full mass and sells it to the public; that’s insane.
I can also blame War Room for an incredibly myopic world view and character development straight from amateur cartoonery. Any Alex Kendrick directed film will break down folks into exactly two categories: those who pray sufficiently to the Kendrick God and those who fail to pray sufficiently to the Kendrick God. The idea that people belong to other groups is completely foreign to these screenplays.
The action starts fast and furious when real estate agent Elizabeth (Priscilla C. Shirer) finds her home life dissatisfying. Hubby (T.J. Stallings) is something of a monetarily self-righteous philandering jerk. Luckily, professional busybody Miss Clara (Karen Abercrombie) has taken it upon herself to make sure Elizabeth is paying often and correctly. The ancient Miss Clara interrupts the details of her home sale by quizzing her agent on her relationship with God. –Kendrick brothers, do you really think business should be like this?—When Elizabeth responds with lukewarm terms, Clara disappears into the kitchen to fetch coffee. She returns with tepid, room temperature coffee for her guest while she enjoys a steaming cup. (Get it? “Your relationship with JarJar is either hot or cold …”) I can’t tell if this is Christian humor or old people humor; what I can tell is that with this and a throwaway, “I must have a dumb phone” line, the comedic portion of this film need not be explored.
I’m sorry, but fellas, I’m sure you’ve seen scenarios where young people don’t like old people … this is why. A random old person punctuating your life with unsolicited and dubious advice? Where do I sign up? I’ll happily accede to the wisdom of age when you guys figure out that the world changes and sometimes it changes for the waaaaaaaay better. I mean, you’re asking me to solve my problems with prayer … and only prayer – ok, I see and accept that, even if it seems fruitless from my perspective, which happens to be very different from yours. Now, this “dumb phone” of which you speak; do you not see the value of a mobile hand held device which can be used as bible, communication tool, camera, encyclopedia, calculator, map, and 
a dozen other things all at once? No? Then we have nothing to discuss.
Ten minutes later, Elizabeth has sequestered herself in a closet with soda and chips. In an actual film describing humans, Elizabeth would be drinking heavily, and when I say, “drinking,” I mean alcohol *gasp*; War Room hasn’t the balls to give its characters even the slightest bit of depth. The key struggle becomes how Elizabeth can create a ‘War Room” of her own – a prayer closet where she can fight her battles in quiet retreat.
For kicks, I put on a God/Jesus count over a 15 minute period. “God” beat “Jesus” 11 to 4. Upon reconsideration, it’s probably better that those weren’t “JarJars.” I don’t think anybody could take a JarJar/minute clip.
I’ve decided that while I loathe Kendrick brother films, I find this a much healthier outlet than, say, political lobbying. A theater can choose not to distribute your terrible film; people can choose not to attend it. It’s not a promise or an idea or a strategy or something you hide behind a false front, like the Tea Party; it’s a movie and can be evaluated exactly on those merits, or lack thereof. This one sucked, Kendricks. Make a better one next time.
♪Aw Jesus
Oh savior savior
You are my shining light
And you got me on my knees
Aw JarJar
Oh Binksy Binsky
Here I am hiding out
In a closet just for you
I just can’t believe Phantom Menace sucks so much
(I just can’t believe it’s true)
Oh yeah, I think I got a bit off track with this
(Was supposed to be about my faith)
Oh yeah
Pour a little grace upon me Jesus
Yeah yeah
Pour a little grace upon me JarJar
(Misa make your life so sweet)♫
Rated PG, 120 Minutes
D: Alex Kendrick
W: Alex Kendrick, Stephen Kendrick
Genre: Goddy GodGod Jesus God
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Folks who find church is their greatest form of entertainment
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Atheists
♪ Parody inspired by “Sugar Sugar”
