Oh, goody, another origin story. Yay! Dracula? Oh. Aw. I was hoping for Wonder Woman. Everybody loves those origin stories, don’t they? Even for a bloodthirsty creep? Yup. Even for a bloodthirsty creep. I’m holding out for the Adolph Hitler origin tale, myself. I’m hoping it’s similar to “Muppet Babies.”
I think it’s important to note that Vlad collected “The Impaler” nickname before he becomes Dracula. Yes, this is who we’re rooting for – a war criminal. I don’t care how you soft sell it, this badass killed opponent after opponent and stuck them all on pikes like martini olives for everybody to come see. Have you ever tried to put a guy on a pike? No. I haven’t either. But it can’t be easy. I’d have an issue with somebody who does this once, let alone hundreds of times. Awwww, he feels bad about it. Awwww.
Ok, now that I got that out there, sure, I guess I can root for the guy. After all, Turks are the enemy; we can always get behind the defeat of a middle eastern people, can’t we? I swear, this is our new Nazis – just take anybody from the middle east: Irani, Iraqi, Egyptian, Persian, Arabian, Babylonian, Turkey, Falafel … they’re all bad, right? This tale is so fitting – Vlad’s ruthlessness is so profound he acquires the name “Impaler,” but hey, so long as he’s battling somebody not-so-white, we know who’s good and who’s bad, right?
Big Daddy Vladdy (Luke Evans) here just wants to rule Transylvania in peace, but those darn Turks insist on money and a tribute in 1,000 boy soldiers. Yeah, yeah, take it, Turkeys. But when Mehmed the Paler (Dominic Cooper) wants son o’ Vlad, that means war. Transylvania can’t win this war, so Vlad goes to evil mountain to Dance with Charles. Here, I feel a little cheated – clearly, this is where 
Dracula Untold becomes Dracula Told by getting power from the original bad boy himself, but the point of the picture was supposed to be “show me the origin of vampires” not “show me the origin of Dracula.” Yeah, yeah, I’ve read the title; I still feel cheated. Because now we need a Charles Dance origin story, too. What’s up with that?
Dracula is gross, but pretty much invulnerable once the sun goes down. So don’t attack at night, people. Geez, this ain’t rocket science. The effects where he can see heartbeats several meters away through brush is impressive; the part where he battles one hundred foes at once is very Matrix sequel-y. This also bugged me – Vlad is there to save his people, but he feels nothing for the Turk troops who have probably been recruited by the same bullying tactics used on him? There, but for the grace of Charles Dance. Pretty sure nobody has ever said that before.
It’s fair to ask me to stop thinking about this film as I like it less every time I reconsider.
Transylvanian Vlad wants some peace
Saving every last nephew and niece
War takes his land
Thus forcing his hand
Whatchagonnado … call the police?
Rated PG-13, 92 Minutes
D: Gary Shore
W: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless
Genre: Pre-Drac dreck
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Vlads, Impalers
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Turks
