I sat through most of The Gallows wondering if Ford’s Theater ever reprised “Our American Cousin” – I mean, geez, it didn’t really get a fair shot, now, did it? The assassination of Abraham Lincoln doesn’t have anything to do with yet another bad horror film, of course, but when has anything stopped me from drawing an outrageous comparison?
A generation ago, Beatrice High School showed a Puritan-themed school play entitled The Gallows. But, you knew this all along. This high school “Gallows” production is one those common, ever-popular “Crucible” knock-offs we saw so much of during the Cold War, except for the common, popular and Cold War parts. The play concludes with the main character being sent to the gallows, which are shown on stage but only in the final scene, which makes no sense in terms of title or production. Anyway, the shop kids outdid themselves and Charlie hangs for real in front of friends and family, which probably put a real downer on the after party – but knowing drama nerds, that might be an improvement.
So, get this, twenty years later, Beatrice High is doing The Gallows again. Are you kidding me? Seriously? I mean, do you think Columbine High has an annual Trenchcoat Day? Oh, and there’s more: There’s actually an un-ironic, non-memorialized tribute to the original Gallows production in the school trophy case including a cast photo, where the guy who bought it is holding the noose! This is either the worst Act I screenplay or my favorite high school movie ever.
BMOC Reese Housler (Reese Mishler) is tagged for the lead role in this version and he suuuuuuuuuucks. That’s ok, fellow football douche Ryan Shoos (Ryan Shoos – seriously, fellas, did you write this when you were drunk one weekend?) has a camera and has chosen to document every last moment of this disaster, punctuating the pre-production pain with editorialized assholery. Yeah, he walks around shooting things and making fun of everything he shoots; this guy can’t die soon enough. After a painful forty minutes of this, Ryan discovers there is a permanently open stage door and concludes that some humanitarian mischief is in order – if the set is trashed, Reese never has to embarrass himself on stage, see?
Later that evening, Ryan, Reese and Cassidy
Spiker (Cassidy Gifford) employ the kinder, gentler vandalism techniques known only to, I’m guessing, the present generation. After they carefully unbolt one leg of the stage set and pronounce themselves a huge success, they are caught by female lead Pfeifer Ross (Pfeifer Brown). Look, I know you think I’m making this up, but the four kids who have all the lines in this non-documentary have identical names to their characters. This is horror, so, lights out, gallows up, doors locked, screaming kids and awful cinematography follows. And I think the Gorton’s Fisherman shows up again, like in I Know What You Should Have Done the Equinox Immediately Following the Blood Moon Preceding Last Summer.
Why did I not HATE this film? Well, I should have. I really, really, should have. You see all the hate above, don’t you? Well, dammit, you won’t believe this, but it has a decent ending; and ending that not only ties everything together nicely, but has weird cathartic feel as well. Damn you, The Gallows! You were gonna be a star, baby! You were gonna make my annual hall of shame. Now, what did you go and do? Just left me hanging there, that’s what.
Three teens decide to ruin the floor
When they discover an open stage door
Death must ensue
From paranormal crew
Sure, but what’s left for the encore?
Rated R, 81 Minutes
D: Travis Cluff, Chris Lofing
W: Travis Cluff, Chris Lofing
Genre: Them damn kids get whats a’ comin’
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Touchy school janitors
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The seasick
