Hairy Vin Diesel! Did you see that coming? I didn’t. Trying out his new WWE look as Thog the Philistine, medieval Vin collects hair as if the concept of wearing some is both foreign and exciting – “wow! Look at what you can do with it!” He’s like a 3D version of one of those magnetic Wooly Willy toys. Unfortunately, there’s little time for Kaulder (Diesel) to enjoy his hair as evil Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht) has killed his family as a precursor to destroying all of mankind. When Kaulder and his hair stop this madness, oooooo Witchy Woman curses him with eternal life, albeit not eternal hair. Destined to fight evil magic doers for eternity, Vin pre-Diesel becomes The Last Witch Hunter.
Eight hundred years later, Kaulder switches Dolan #36 (Michael Caine) for Dolan #37 (Elijah Wood). The Dolan appears to be some sort of religious Witch Hunter handler, handing down the generational Vin instructions (Don’t get him wet, don’t feed him after midnight, etc.) from one Dolan to another. The Dolan acts as his theological agent or something: “Kaulder, babe, just do this side job in Jersey City and I swear you’ll work Broadway again in no time.” So Vinny infiltrates houses of evil with flaming swords, magic spells and that intuitive Vin Diesel knowhow we all love.
Suddenly, Dolan #36 “dies” – nobody ever dies for real in films like this – and Kaulder knows something is afoot. Eight hundred years of impaling demons has taught him a thing or two; so he uses these two things he’s been taught to find witch bar owner Chloe (Rose Leslie. I swear for half the film I thought it was Isla Fisher … but that can’t be; Isla parts her hair on the other side). Nice to give Kaulder a playmate for a spell — eight hundred years of mourning? Probably long enough.
The witch bar offered up a new villain, Belial (Ólafur Darri Ólafsson, who has a few more accents in his name than his Connecticut birth would suggest). While tethering Kaulder to various prisons, Belial points out, “it’s easy to get in a bar fight when you can’t die.” Hey yeah, it is! Not only that, Kaulder can snap and unsnap his bones to lose handcuffs. The opening just said “immortal,” it didn’t say he was Wolverine. What’s up with that?
I’m thinking most witches just want to be understood. Somewhere between Hermione Granger and the Witch-queen of Angmar, I betting most witches try to live comfortable lives out of the spotlight; I mean, do you know any who advertise? Films like Season of the Witch, Seventh Son and The Last Witch Hunter are constantly pitting some wraith-like lightweight against a side of beef who seems to know agreat deal more about wholesale slaughter than, say, grooming. Yeah, I suppose the end of all humanity isn’t a good thing, but to tell the truth, I’m starting to side with the witches.
♪You could have a big rapier
Thrusting in and out a cavity
You could have scimitar smiting
What fun! Don’t you agree?
I want to be a witch hunter
Why don’t you play my game?
I want to be a witch hunter
This will be my sanctimony♫
Rated PG-13, 106 Minutes
D: Breck Eisner
W: Cory Goodman, Matt Sazama & Burk Sharpless
Genre: Pentogram-a-rama
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Witch hunters
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Satanists
♪ Parody inspired by “Sledgehammer”
