Continuing the running 2015 theme of finding flaws in unreasonably perfect imaginary men, The Perfect Guy couldn’t get past the title before offending me. “Guy?” What’s that? Wake me when you’re mature enough to search for the perfect man, although he doesn’t exist, either.
Leah (Sanaa Lathan) has the Big Ben of biological clocks and, hence, kicks a perfectly decent man (Morris Chestnut) out of her house because he’s not big on being pushed into fatherhood. Say, weren’t they already a couple in The Best Man Holiday? I honestly forget. But if I find out this is the same couple and plot point, I’m going to be a bit put off. Anyhoo … like your dog, nature hates a vacuum, and the gap is soon filled by The Perfect Guy, Carter (Michael Ealy). At least I’m guessing he’s The Perfect Guy in question, ‘cause he seems pretty perfect until he snaps.
Ealy spends Act I putting the “ooooooooo” in smoooooooooth: just a random stranger who allows Leah to take her order ahead of his at a Starbucks, then saving her from a blowhard at a bar and then not assuming the Sir Walter Raleigh routine would do him any good (it does, of course), noting that her dad is a baseball fan and getting front row seats for the Giants (funny, Ealy was a Dodgers fan in About Last Night), finishing with the coup de grâce of “classy” boyfriend behavior — honoring house rules by staving off sex under her parents’ roof.
Once this feeble premise is established, however, the movie self-destructs like a mission recording for Ethan Hunt. On the road home from Esseff to El Lay, a stranger admires Carter’s ride and Carter beats the hemi out of him. At that point, Leah automatically turns on Carter. With little explanation (all needed here was, “my father/uncle/cousin had a bad temper and I vowed I’d never put up with that again”), Leah dumps him. Carter, apparently, ate up every ounce of perfection and then some in one (1) move. Yes, it was quite a beating, but … really? He gets dumped like *snap*? No, “maybe we can get you some therapy” or “you do that 
again and we’re done?” Geez, twenty minutes ago, you were, “all I want is a family!” Now, you’re choosier than a Jif mom. Make up your mind, lady.
And then Carter becomes the kind of stalker NRA members dream about – he’s outside your house; he’s breaking in; he’s stealing the cat; he’s killing the nosy neighbor; he’s planting cameras … well that went South fast, huh? In addition to being a Major League stalker, Carter is also a computer genius. I especially liked the part where he undermines Leah’s job by sending personal sex tapes to all her clients – Leah is alarmed, sure, but for some reason, she never quite figures out, “hey, I didn’t make a sex tape.” And, just like Rebecca Hall in The Gift, she continues to hang out, alone, in a big old house of windows … you never considered moving? Seriously? Violent stalker, cat gone, neighbor dead, house has clearly been broken into on several occasions, and you’re just gonna stay right there? OK.
The Perfect Guy seems to be promoting that if he looks too good to be true, he’s probably a psychopath. In retrospect, I’m wondering if it was made by a fella with a grudge. Did David M. Rosenthal or Tyger Williams recently lose a woman to a better catch? Wouldn’t take much; all he’d have to do is make a one-star film.
♪ (I am, I am)
I am Stalkerman and I know all scheduling
(I am, I am)
I am Stalkerman and I can learn anything
If you step outside your house, I’ll set up shop while you’re not there
When you’re fast asleep at night, right beside you I will stare
If you go a million miles away, I’ll follow fifty feet behind
Trust me when I say that I’m not out of my mind♫
Rated PG-13, 100 Minutes
D: David M. Rosenthal
W: Tyger Williams (No relation to 70s-80s NHL enforcer Dave “Tiger” Williams, although letting hockey’s annual leader in penalty minutes write this screenplay probably couldn’t have hurt)
Genre: Never chance a single thing
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The NRA
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Therapists
♪ Parody inspired by “Superman”
