Do you like your sports in movie form? Some people do. I remember being in a theater and having folks around me actively rooting for Shaq in Blue Chips. I’m not making this up. If this describes you and you’re a Texas booster, please enjoy this poor man’s Rudy, My All American.
I take you back to 1967, a time when men my size actually had a chance to make an impact on a football field. It seems loooooooong ago. Freddie Steinmark (Finn Wittrock) was one such man as coach Darrell Royal (Aaron Eckhart) recalls from his death barcalounger. We can tell from the first sentence that nobody bothered contacting a decent writer for this piece. The movie begins with Freddie’s Colorado roots where dad, Fred Sr. (Michael Reilly Burke) uses every second of his free time to make sure that junior is developing his pro football tools correctly. Seriously, I think this guy follows Freddie into the shower to point out correct locker room soap technique.
Freddie is human-sized, which means despite his superb play on the field, no college will touch him, except for the University of Texas, where Coach Royal has a soft spot for atypical recruits. Yeah, you sure about that conclusion there, movie? The events of the previous summer, specifically August 1, 1966, had nothing to do with the Coach’s and University’s ability to attract obvious Grade A gridiron gamers? The shooting isn’t mentioned in My All American; Vietnam sure was, ‘cause that offered a few opportunities for hippie-bashing, but hey, what’s a mass campus shooting have to with anything? I mean, by Fall of 2007, we were all ready to dive into Hokie football on the Virginia Tech campus, ignoring all ghosts, right? Right.
There’s a lot of football in My All American; I daresay more than any other football movie I’ve seen. The movie is practically an ad for the sport itself. Three or four entire games are played out on screen, with another dozen scenes devoted to practice and locker room action. I 
respect My All American for these editing choices as a football fan can actually ignore the fact that the writing and acting is piss poor; and every plot point is telegraphed weeks in advance. The women in this film amount to little more than tackling dummies. In this world, the women exist simply to prop up men. What aspirations has Freddie’s long-term girlfriend, Linda (Sarah Bolger)? To have a bunch of children. That’s it. She was big on the Spanish program as UTexas, but clearly is in school just to earn her MRS.
Freddie himself has the personality of a cartoon character. If there’s football, he’s happy. Period. The film gave him a few things to ponder, like science, Vietnam, and friendship, but he was having none of it; so long as football is there, life is good.
Luckily, I was able to obtain an outtake from the R-rated version of this film. Let me describe the scene for you:
Linda enters Freddie’s dorm room and shuts the door behind her.
Freddie (curiously): Football?
Linda: Hi Freddie. We’re alone now. What do you want to do?
Freddie: Football. Football footballfootball foot-ball. Football.
Linda: I was thinking maybe you could draw up a special play for *me* to run.
Freddie: Football football. Football?
Linda: How … about … right … here … (slowly unbuttons her blouse)
Freddie: Footballs!
Ok, so my imagination wasn’t exactly taken by incessant replays. The subject matter of My All American makes a decent ESPN 30-for-30 documentary, but little more. Freddie Steinmark’s story is worth telling, but only Texans and relatives will bother retelling it. In theaters, this Longhorn will have a short ride.
Touchdown Freddie likes to play
On the field each and ev’ry day
What’s that, I beg?
A twinge, your leg?
Uh oh, the plot is given away
Rated PG, 118 Minutes
D: Angelo Pizzo
W: Angelo Pizzo
Genre: ESPN drama
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: University of Texas Alumni
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who can think beyond 360 ft. x 160 ft.
