My mother once told me that when she was a girl, she thought parade floats were kept on ice all year, only brought out for Christmas or New Year’s, and kept in a giant freezer otherwise. This is the way I feel about the continued existence of Tab Hunter. Anachronistic to my entire lifetime, the handsome ex-celebrity may well have been a household name in the 1950s and early 1960s, but may as well have been in a freezer since. My mother may well have loved this man; my generation has never heard of him. And I mean NEVER. Makes you wonder what your generation knows that future generations will collectively say, “What is that and why would you care?”
Tab Hunter was so handsome, he became a movie star without the benefit of any acting talent. One might ask, “How good looking is that, exactly?” Well, on a scale from zero to Tab Hunter, it’s Tab Hunter. The tall, blonde, blue-eyed, rock-jawed, perpetually-perfectly-tanned, beaches-of-SoCal dreamboat co-opted the vision of Aryan superiority into matinee heartthrob. He’s the kind of guy for whom you’d have “Win a Date with Tab Hunter” contests and many, many girls would participate.
And he was gay.
His agent knew Tab was gay. His studio boss, Jack Warner, probably knew it as well. At the time, of course, to admit homosexuality was akin to saying you preferred Communism — both of which ranked below Satan Worship on the palatable list. You can see the irony, yes? Here’s the most desired bachelor in the country. Girls collect his image like baseball cards. Women swoon when he walks by. He is almost certainly responsible for breaking up hundreds of relationships that he never took part in … and yet, he had no interest in bedding females. Cue Alanis Morissette.
If you’ve got an historic sweet-tooth and looking to run a Tab, this is the film for you. Tab Hunter Confidential is wall-to-wall Tab! Tab! Tab! Narrated by the man himself, who still looks good enough to break hearts and strong enough to break horses, this love letter spares no detail in telling Tab’s daring tale of platinum equine stupidity. I’m reading between the
lines here; while Tab himself is rather modest, the film gushes about his stardom, practically begging us to reconsider our historical perspective. To consolidate – Tab, who may well have had talent for figure skating, singing and horseplay, became a movie star and he was sold as such. He was seen with Natalie Wood, but dug Anthony Perkins. He made headlines, tabloids, and hit records, and then one day, he wanted to explore a non-studio career and everything disappeared.
THC’s true contribution to the documentary genre is stunning cinematography – constantly refurbished and enhanced magazine photos litter the screen; if you loved Tab Hunter once upon a time, you NEED to see this film; the man will never look better. And he gets to tell his side. Was he cheated? Tab Hunter Confidential says, “yes,” but the film couldn’t seem to figure out why his career took a nosedive once Tab severed ties with Warner Bros. Um … fellas … check out the awards section in his imdb credit and you may just get an answer.
♪A has-been turned eighty-four
Wondered why his name was known no more
It’s a teen idol who gets no play
It’s lady-killer who turns out gay
And isn’t he iconic … don’t you think?
Like Nathan Lane in his Broadway fare,
It’s like Paul Lynde in the Center Square
It’s non-hetero George that you just didn’t Takei
Who would’ve thought… those figures?♫
Rated PG, 90 Minutes
D: Jeffrey Schwarz
W: Null set
Genre: Revisiting historical bigotry
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Boomers. Lord knows that name carries weight with nobody else
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Any.other.generation
♪ Parody inspired by “Ironic”
