And then there are days in which I cannot believe what passes for cinematic “art.” Anti-Santa horror film? Well, heck, tis the season. What’s wrong with scaring the Christmas spirit into Grinches, hmmmm? I mean, other than the obvious message to the Kevin McCallisters of the world that their Christmas dickery actually has the power of unleashing HELL ON EARTH. Krampus producers: seriously, fellas, is this really the message you wish to send? And just how awful are your own children?
It’s Christmastime in Who-ever-ville and the Alphajerk family is returning from a nativity play where their son got in a bitchin’ fight on stage. (editor’s note: “You should see act two!” :rimshot:) Lesson time for junior is put on hold because the fam is too self-absorbed to worry about how the actions of Max (Emjay Anthony) reflect on them. Max seeks penance in the form of a Santa letter. Kid? Your timing … not great.
While mom (Toni Collette) and dad (Adam Scott) seem just a tad out-of-touch for the parents of a child who picked a fight with a not-so-wise man, Betajerk family shows. yay. Give credit to Krampus here – for however awful the Alphajerks are, the Betas are worse. That tends to happen when David Koechner shows up. The Conchata Ferrell addition certainly didn’t hurt; haven’t seen her since “L.A. Law” and didn’t need her then. The Betatomboys steal the Santa letter, read it aloud, and a frustrated Max retrieves, crumples and tosses the aspirational missive, thus summoning Krampus, the spirit of violent Humbug.
The last time I saw a kid dismiss a hand-written letter out the window, she turned out to be a vampire. Max the vampire would have been an improvement.
With huge goat legs and enormous ibex horns, Krampus has come to ruin a good time for all. The power goes out, the neighbors are suddenly gone and an evil snowman appears on the Alphajerk lawn. And then members of the clan are picked off one-by-one by giant clownipede, evil presents or the big man on Krampus himself.
Now, you might comment, “gee Jim, that stupid Poltergeist remake had evil clowns and you didn’t shove that down the chimney flue and light it on fire.” No, I sure didn’t. Poltergeist’s message was, “don’t f*** with the dead.” Krampus’ message is, “be good for 
Christmas, children, or all your kinfolk will pay for eternity.” Do you see the difference? Tell me, does this message apply to non-Christians? If Jewish and Muslim children are December douchebags does Krampus visit them, too?
I’m sorry, but an evil Christmas spirit, no matter how historically accurate, is just … wrong. The Yuletide message does not need to be enhanced with a family threat. Withholding presents is enough as is. Kinda the opposite of A Christmas Carol, Krampus is about punishing folks for being a Christmas sourpuss; it’s too late for Scrooge — there is no redemption. At that rate, I daresay Krampus is equally as busy as St. Nick this time of year. Awwww, is somebody down this December? Well, you’re all gonna die, assholes. Enjoy the nog.
Bottom line? Awful people get sucked into Hell for the actions of the only possibly redeemable one among them. Weak characters. Weak horror. Weak comedy. And close to, if not the, worst message of the year. People have good reason to be jerks at Christmas. Let ‘em. You can sing carols without 100% participation; I’ve seen it happen. There’s no need to have your Christmas ruined by Krampus when it can be already ruined by pretty much any family member.
♪It was December 23rd in the burbs after dark
When the lights went making all cold and stark
I caught a glimpse somethin’ jumpin’ roofs just for kicks
Looked at his horns, oh my God, an ill ibex
It’s Christmastime in Doucheville snow
Santa’s gonna give a pass, I know
Evil Nick swallows up souls whole
Second viewing? Rather have the coal♫
Rated PG-13, 98 Minutes
D: Michael Dougherty
W: Todd Casey, Michael Dougherty and Zach Shields
Genre: The one where you just sort of feel sorry for everybody involved
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Lawdy, I dunno. Christmas haters?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Believers
♪ Parody inspired by “Christmas in Hollis”
