I know what you’re thinking: “with the voice talents of Dan Aykroyd, James Belushi, & Bernadette Peters (not to mention Kelsey Grammer, Oliver Platt, Martin Short …), how could this go wrong?” So … many … people who were more-or-less entertaining last century. Surely they didn’t opt for a paint-by-numbers hackneyed exploitative sequel cashing in on already established favorites, did they? Actually they didn’t … and you’ll wish they had.
Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return does what the title suggests, but instead of teaming Ms. Kansas (voiced by Lea Michelle) with the usual gang of idiots, they exchanged the pansy, the numbskull and Iron Man in favor of a glutton, a tool and a diva. Huh, maybe we should go back to the pansy. The scene is the palace at Emerald City and many years have passed since Wicked-ness and it’s hard to tell who’s in charge — do the Scarecrow, Lion and Tin Man hold cushy government jobs? Do they run the place? Doesn’t matter; new management has taken over in the form of The Jester (Short). Unfortunately for him, Short’s unmistakable comic villainy immediately took me back to The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. Anyone forced upon that particular bit of villainy will agree the escape clause should have been employed long before it got to theaters.
The Jester is brother to two women killed by Dorothy in her last visit round the place and he’s assumed control (what is this, the Kennedys?) if for no other reason than revenge. He’s called “The Jester” because he cannot remove his silly duds — a new set magically appears upon removal of the old. This would be a great gag were it not already a fond memory from a Bugs Bunny riddled childhood. Meanwhile, it’s only the very next day in Kansas where Dorothy wakes up to the fallout from the tornado and immediately gets evicted. Welcome back to America, babe. When a rainbow takes she and Toto back to Oz, there isn’t even time to execute a forgettable musical number. Or maybe there was, I forget.
Isn’t Dorothy tired? She was just in Oz yesterday. And wasn’t it all a dream? WTF?
Summoned by Scarecrow to save the place, Dorothy goes to work immediately — she befriends a tubby owl and the two get grubbin’ in Candyland. Serious, serious lack of focus there, girl. It is a mortal crime to eat of the town made of candy and Dorothy is soon apprehended and sentenced to death. Can’t say I was concerned here: the owl 
admits he’s been convicted 499 times and he still seems plenty alive. Some system of justice ya got there. It gets better — once “Dorothy Gale” is namedropped, the judge drops the charges post-conviction. Ohhhhhhh, I see how it works here, huh? In Oz, you don’t even have to be rich to get celeb justice.
Free to re-roam the yellow brick road, Dorothy soon acquires the dogs of society — Marshal Mallow (Hugh Dancy), the soldier only too happy to carry out the would-be execution, and the Queen of the China Dolls (Megan Hilty), who spends her rare snobbery-free moments shooting down suitors.
By the time we get to Patrick Stewart as The Giving Tree, I was done. Just sit back, relax, and dream of a better movie than this.
You know, there are darn good reasons it took 74 years to make another major studio Oz film. Pretty sure the L in “L. Frank Baum” stood for “L’overrated.” Wicked notwithstanding, this generation will discover that anew.
♪When are you going to come back?
It’s been a whole Kansas day
You should have stayed on the farm
And shoveled the horse’s hay
It’s figuratively been forever
Since Dorothy last was on screen
Back in the present with a foot in the past
And a script best suited for the latrine
So good day yellow brick road
Where the dregs of the artworld thrive
You can’t make sit through this again
I’d rather be skinned alive♫
Rated PG, 88 Minutes
D: Will Finn, Dan St. Pierre
W: Adam Balsam and Randi Barnes
Genre: Cheap sequel
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The Scarecrow
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Good luck finding the soul who can stay awake long enough to hate it.
♪ Parody inspired by “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”
