I will see a lot of pointless films in 2014. On this fact, I am resigned. I see no reason that A Haunted House 2, The Expendables 3 or Paranormal Activity 5 need to have caught anybody’s attention. And yet, I will see all three and many more, with both reluctance and lethargy. Yes, I will see them. Perhaps the most pointless film I will see in 2014, however, is Rio 2, a sequel so inane, so banal, so hopelessly unchallenging it’s darn near impossible to take anything away from it. I will, however, try.
The problem here is that the original Rio, while amiable, left no impression whatsoever in my psyche. Some blue parrots, some daft wankers posing as caretakers I think, some shit-talking birds, maybe a dog (?) all heading for Carnival. The one thing about Rio I truly remember is the male macaw, Blu, and only because Jesse Eisenberg’s uncertain yammering adds the perfect air of prissy douchiness to make me hate this bird. I seem to remember something about species propagation – let me tell ya, if Blu is the last male of a species, the only venue that species survives is in the cartoon spectrum. Needless to say, I was looking forward to more adventures of Blu.
Like so many sequels, the title immediately makes no sense. The birds start the movie in Rio de Janeiro, get a news flash and then are anywhere but the title city. Because Blu’s GPS sense is weak, the animators got to color in their own Brazil travelogue. This is exactly as it sounds; there was absolutely no reason to go to Porto Alegre, Salvador or Kansas City – we’re looking for a rainforest with some lost blue macaws. Even the first movie has problems with this subplot. The blue macaws had to come from somewhere, yes? If you don’t know their origin, you can’t assume they’re the only two left, now can you?
It’s funny how the rainforest is considered a mysterious entity full of excitement and wonder. Inside this rainforest is cliché and mundanity. First, Jewel (voice of Anne Hathaway) finds her father (Andy Garcia). The father doesn’t like Blu –join the club, pal – but evil businessmen are destroying their habitat anyway. Oh, goody, you made Happy Feet 3: 
F*** the Ice.
Blu gets a chance to prove himself in a game of soccer. Anyway who’s read my stuff knows how much I hate soccer, but with birds playing I was willing to give it a break; the 3D effect made it more like quidditch, not that it’s a great improvement, but – screw it, I’ll leave it at that. My reward for the lack of cynicism is twofold – 1) This game had the exact same stupid ending as the one in The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Yes, I hate soccer, but even I will readily admit the games can end more than one way. 2) The game is plot-wise meaningful when played, but insignificant and forgotten once ended. We transition so quickly to the rainforest man v. nature battle that all consequences are rendered moot. I’m not sure I can be more disgusted. Let me sum up: you make me watch a sport I don’t want to watch; you make me root for a hero I don’t want to root for; you give me the same crappy ending I saw, like, 18 months ago; you make there be overarching consequences that effect every character in the film based on the play of the hero; and then after doing all that, you make the consequences meaningless. I have many words to describe this, but right now only two come to mind: Fuck you.
It seems I will remember something from Rio 2 after all. I suppose I enjoyed the villain, a cockatoo voiced by Jermaine Clement and his literal toadie (Kristen Chenowith), yay amphibians! Even so, the Rio franchise continues to be a triumph of color over quality.
Trying to lay an egg, not a turd
A whole lot of color here, my word!
For all the hue
I see little true
There’s just no meat on this bird
Rated G, 101 Minutes
D: Carlos Saldanha
W: Jenny Bicks, Yoni Brenner, Carlos Kotkin
Genre: Colors! Lights! Sound!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Do you live for bright colors?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Ingmar Bergman
