I have a dream. In it, I live in a world in which every time there’s a single young black man in the cast, he’s not a successful professional athlete. I don’t think my dream is far-fetched; if you run into a single young black man today, odds are very good that he won’t be a successful professional athlete. Tell you what, if you’re gonna go in that direction, could you at least make the man a bit more savvy? The NFL currently employs a handful of people just to check uniform violations. These guys go through locker rooms before games making sure socks are the correct length. Now I’m not saying that there aren’t NFLers who take steroids, buy marijuana from street denizens and have spur-of-the-moment sex with anonymous partners, but I’m pretty sure they’re better at hiding it than this guy did.
Ugh. Tis the season, but this particular Christmas review feels like it went joyless already. Here’s the deal – three buddies are doin’ their Christmas thing. Blood dopin’ NFLer Chris (Anthony Mackie) and cold-feet-new-dad-to-be Isaac (Seth Rogen) seem to think that Ethan (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is the loser in their group because he can’t commit to anything. So while Chris and Isaac plan on this being their last Christmas Eve fling (because they believe they’ve grown up), Ethan has stolen three tickets to a magical party.
This is all a poor excuse to put “adult” “fun” on camera. Adult fun includes visiting the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree/skating rank, some RUN-DMC karaoke, and playing the foot piano thingy in FAO Schwarz. Dream Big, fellas. Very pregnant Betsy (Jillian Bell, so good in Jump Street 22 … so “who cares?” since) has even provided Isaac with a (Whitman’s) drug sampler: a small box filled with shrooms, coke, marijuana, and –theroetically- a variety of other mood enhancing substances. Let me repeat this in case you missed it – a grown man is goin to party like a high schooler and his eight-months-pregnant wife has not only given her blessing, she has sent him away with a box full of drugs to enhance his evening. All I can say is while my daughter was born around Christmas, my wife did not hand me a vial of cocaine at Thanksgiving, pat me on the back, and say, “Go have a great day, honey!”
OK, so, fantasy. And if you didn’t get that from the drugs, maybe the other drugs will help. At three different intervals, the fellas need to collect MORE pot and naturally invoke their personal dealer, who turns out to be Michael Shannon. Shannon 
knows he’s in a comedy – that’s the best part of his grizzled street vibe. Seth Rogen certainly knows he’s in a comedy, too, totally overselling drug abuse and the Jewish-man-at-Midnight-Mass angle. I’m not sure either Mackie or JGL quite realized they were supposed to be coaxing yuks. [New, from Whammo: it’s Coaxing Yuks!]
The Night Before is a lessons learned comedy. I’m never a fan of how disjointed the conclusions of these films seem from the actions that preceeded them. It’s like a timer goes off at the ninety minute mark and the film cries, “ok, kids, wrap it up. Pull that straw out of your nose; put the revolver down; get off that hooker and say you’re sorry for everything so we can wrap this up in ten.” This truly is where TV comedrama has a distinct advantage – so long as there are more episodes, resolution need not rush. Consequently, I have no idea why I’m giving this film a pass. Maybe it’s because I like JGL, Rogen, Mackie, and Shannon. Or maybe it’s just the season.
♪O woolly night, these stars were slightly whining
It is the night to get f***ed up and s***
Long sought freedom with sin and error piling
Til we return and forget about it
A thrill of hope, can Ethan reconcile?
That Mean Girls’ freak is still his number one
Fall on your knees
Oh ask for her forgiveness
Uh oh, you went too far
Oh no, don’t seek the ring
Uh oh, you went too faaaaaaaaaaar
Oh no. Put back that ring♫
Rated R, 101 Minutes
D: Jonathan Levine
W: Jonathan Levine, Kyle Hunter, Ariel Shaffir & Evan Goldberg
Genre: Hijinks
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Not-so-grown-up men
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Their caretakers
♪ Parody inspired by “O Holy Night”
