Every once in a while, an actor or actress becomes powerful enough to start dictating the kind of art he/she is making. At this time, we the audience have to reevaluate the artist and the role he/she plays – are we comfortable with the thought of Russell Crowe directing or of Jack Black as a leading man, say? Today, we get to evaluate the burgeoning career of Kristen Wiig, and we have decidedly and resolutely said, “stick to what you were doing. You [read: We] are not yet ready for the Wiig Time.”
Alice Klieg (Wiig) has borderline personality disorder, or whatever they’re calling it this week; her television never turns off. She plays the lottery every day. Her acquaintances are familiar with her oddities, like the fact that she issues prepared written statements for almost every anticipated question. The shopkeeper meets her at the curb with a daily order. She doesn’t have a whole lot going on in her life and she’s just likeable enough that for that we feel sorry for her. She is not likeable enough, however, that we are ecstatic when she wins the lottery. We are, however, curious.
First thing Alice does is get rid of her state appointed therapist (Tim Robbins). It’s hard to say what she’s getting out of these sessions, anyway – lately, she’s been substituting string cheese for her meds. Something about protein. Then, she moves out of her hole in the wall and into a Palm Springs casino. Finally, she gets her own TV show. In a symbiotic relationship, Program Director Rich Ruskin (James Marsden) puts off his station’s going-out-of-business fire sale by accepting $15 M from Alice to air and produce her one-woman tour-de-force “Welcome to Me,” positively the most indulgent and self-aggrandizing tripe this side of Donald Trump.
I always think movies must think TV people are idiots. Somewhere in the bowels of cable access, you could stray accidentally onto “Welcome to Me,” but you’d almost certainly turn the channel rather than sit through Alice hanging out in a swan boat, neutering a dog, or cooking and eating a full meal. This is the kind of show which redefines dead air. Turns out you can achieve nothing with something. That’s talent. And when she’s not indulging the minutiae of daily life on screen, Alice has decided to recreate the pain of her past – scornfully shaming those who have done her wrong with bad acting and slanderous prose. If you couldn’t figure it out, the “Alice” character in the reenactments always wears a helpful sign. Nobody would watch this show. Ever.
Joan Cusack gets to be the station director here, which seems a fitting upgrade from TV station gopher in Broadcast News so many moons ago. In fact, there are a number of people I like in this film – Cusack, Marsden, Robbins, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Wes Bentley, Alan Tudyk, Linda Cardellini, which
makes it a tragedy to watch this Alice plunge down her rabbit hole while so many talented folks stand by wondering what to do.
It’s hard to blame Kristen Wiig for this. I mean, this is what you do when you get big – you start seeing exactly how popular you are. “What if I play Queen Elizabeth? Will people still like me? Ok, how about a 45-year-old Katniss Everdeen? I can do that, right?” Welcome to Me isn’t exactly a vanity piece. Kristen allows herself to play a character you may and probably will dislike; she bares a great deal here both figuratively and literally. But at the end of the day, this film is still *all about Kristen* playing a character you may and probably will dislike. There’s no market for that.
♪Welcome to the bungle; we’ve sold out to remain
She’s got everything she wants, might drive you insane
Get used to silly rants or garbage on TV
Yeah, she’s got the money honey thanks to lottery
It’s the bungle. Welcome to the bungle
Watch her it’s for f-f-f-f-fr-free free
I want to watch you blee– wait, where are you going? We’ve got two more hours of this crap. ♫
Rated R, 87 Minutes
D: Shira Piven
W: Eliot Laurence
Genre: “I’m here to announce my stardom”
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Kristen Wiig
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Network execs
♪ Parody inspired by “Welcome to the Jungle”
