First there were some X-Men, each with a unique superpower. Then there’s the future where terminators can adopt the power of the X-guy they’re fighting. And then there’s dystopia. Why do smart machines always opt for annihilation of the human race, anyway? Does that make sense? The smarter you are, the less tolerance you have for humans? I suppose you could make an argument, but it seems to me the ugliest foes of humankind, the magicians of genocide as it were, haven’t exactly been geniuses. Who are the smartest guy we know? Stephen Hawking? Albert Einstein? Neither of those guys strike me as “DIE, HUMANS, DIE!!” types. But you build artificial intelligence and, hey, red alert! Better safe than sorry?
So the dystopian massacre is interrupted by X-Woman Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page), who can make folks travel back in time so as to avoid future massacres. This battle tactic has limited shelf life, so somebody’s got to be sent back to make sure the bad robots never get built. Guess what, groovesters, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) is back in the 70s to rewrite history. The deal with this time travel is nothing physical gets moved, you just get to exchange your present consciousness for a past one. This is pretty convenient as 
Wolverine continues to be the consensus favorite X-Man. I swear, anybody writing these films starts by asking: “how do we get the maximum amount of stupid effects, shirtless Wolverine and Raven (Jennifer Lawrence) in the tight blue body suit.” You take those three elements, write a screenplay around it and I swear somebody in Hollywood will give it attention.
Shall I try? Hmmmm … we discover something new about Raven in her default form – like she’s gonna die if she morphs out of it too much. Meanwhile, the entirety of the United States will be in peril if Wolverine puts on a shirt. Naturally, a gamut of dudes with superpowers have to get involved to help these two stay clothing free as much as possible for two hours. Maybe a team of evil super tailors constantly attack our heroes by taking measurements and insisting on fittings, but Cerebro (James McAvoy/Patrick Stewart) keeps manipulating minds to weave tiny bathing costumes instead of suits and Magneto (Michael Fassbender/Ian McKellan) keeps bending the sewing implements into unusable shapes. Oh, will these heroes never wear clothes?
There are two major problems with the X-Men franchise: 1) The situations have to get more and more outrageous to keep with demand. You see, if the X-Men take on the Cuban Missile Crisis two years ago, even Watergate looks kinda paltry in comparison. 2) Some of the X-Men are simply too powerful to control, so they’ve all been given huge personality defects to compensate: Wolverine can’t get hurt, so they make him a curmudgeon; Cerebro can control any mind, so they made him a whiner; Magneto can manipulate all metal, which is pretty indefensible in the modern world, so they make him a megalomaniac.
X-Men: Days of Future Past introduces us to a kid (Evan Peters) who can move at a rate approaching the speed of light. No car, jet, rocket, missile known to man can approach his speed. Bullets appear to freeze while he’s being goofy. Clearly, “Quicksilver” can think and maneuver at this speed, too. The scene where he’s involved are very 
entertaining. Making a mockery out of a Pentagon kitchen is hilarious. But when you think about it, this guy is the most powerful man in the world. He can literally influence the outcome of any moment, any event. He’s fast enough to assassinate any world leader without repercussion. So … let’s make him a slacker. Maybe if he only cares about Ding Dongs, he’ll forget he can have anything he pleases.
Future Past has few cute touches – Magneto is the one being held in the Pentagon basement. Why? Well, he’s being held for JFK’s murder. “The bullet curved, Eric!” Guessing the screenplay was written last year. BTW, does anybody find it weird that the guy accused of killing JFK ends up destroying RFK stadium? Just me? OK. It’s stupid fun. There won’t be any discussion of time paradoxes or existentialism following this one; you’ll still be thinking about Jennifer’s blue body suit or Hugh’s bare ass. There are worse things.
Mutants are dealt a fatal blow
For salvation, they must alter ago
Send Wolfie past
Make nice, no sass!
Just try to enjoy the show
Rated PG-13, 131 Minutes
D: Bryan Singer
W: Jane Goldman, Simon Kinberg & Matthew Vaughn
Genre: Special effects
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Blockbuster junkies
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Confused octogenarians
